Waiting On It.

I decided to try this diary thing..

Dear diary
11:30 AM
I just woke up Mom's mad.
What's new?
Well as for Dad he's still gone , I still wonder if he will ever come back to save me.
I'm sitting here waiting... waiting for it
I spilt juice everywhere and mom's cleaning it up so I'm waiting for my punishment.
Its the usual the slaps the insults , wondering why I don't just end it all.
Sometimes it seems like there's no one and nothing to help you. That feeling you get at night that no one , is there for you. It feels as delicate as a blade to the skin it gets better day by day.
At least that's what I tell myself , don't get me wrong I'm a wishful thinker. Don't think I'm a helpless case I've thought it over and over. Wasting time on this earth is just a distraction from the favour you'd do everyone if you were dead. Those anxiety attacks those feeling of being alone is not from being abused. It's life. The very reason why I should end it. But I'll never do it no matter how much it would feel to end the pain. Why? Because that would mean Mom wins. She's forever waiting for the day to kill me and honestly that day will never happen. I will not let it happen that's why the streets is the place for me , no pressure no judging no backstory. However there is one small risk , this is very minor take in mind is DEATH. Frankly I face this every day as a black women ,the police, racial identification , you know the list. So why not up the chance it's not like I'm safe anyway I could list a lot of reasons why I could be killed. But I can tell you I'd rather go down with my name known as I tried even through rough times. Not the black girl who's added to the list of niggers who are dead. So that if anyone stands up for the blackie , we are told there's no proof. I'd rather be known for catching a body in these streets then the nigger who wines cos mummy beats her. Or the nigger who got shot. Maybe even the girl who made the world progress instead of digress. Or maybe I'll be that girl? Any way iv'e got to go slaps are calling my way until next time diary.     Your sincerely 925
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I'm backkkk!