"It" Can't Be Helped | ✔️ | Blue Exorcist

Another Secret

A few days had passed and Rin could say that he felt a lot better, and worse. Seems like he felt that way a lot lately. He stood before his mirror, brushing his teeth after his usual evening purge, when a knock sounded on the bathroom door.

"Nii-san, did you just throw up?"

Shit! He's home? I thought he was supposed to be gone until 7! He quickly glanced at the wall clock, it read 7:34. Fuck me, where did the time go. Fucking a, think of something. "Uhh. I think I ate something that upset my stomach, I'm okay now." He said, rinsing his toothbrush and opening the door.

Yukio looked at his twin, noticing his pale face, his cheeks were rosy though, and he looked like he was sweating slightly. He raised his hand to feel Rin's forehead, it wasn't hot, but it was warmer than it should be. Poor Nii-san. "Oh, come here, you should sit down, maybe it's food poisoning." He pulled his brother to his bed, pushing him down into a sitting position. Rin wiped the sweat off his forehead. "Are you hot?" Yukio asked, concern lacing his words. He reached down and started to pull off Rin's jacket and button up. The twin started to protest, but Yukio hushed him. "Technically, you're not supposed to be wearing long sleeves in the dorm anyway."

Rin sighed, letting his little brother take care of him, he was slightly embarrassed that he was fussing over nothing. He wasn't sick, but it's not like he could tell Yukio that. The youngest twin finally removed his brother's uniform, eyes wandering across his pale skin.

"... I'm proud of you, Nii-san." He whispered, fingers running over his brother's skin. The pale silver lines had faded slightly, and there were no more pink marks left. He looked normal...ish. "It's been almost a week since you've hurt yourself, and over a week since you've held a blade. You're strong, Rin, and I admire that about you..." the raven haired boy's eyes grew misty and he blinked away his tears.

"I'm not strong, Yukio... I'm pathetic." Rin whispered, looking down at his scarred arms. "If you only knew."

"Then let me know." Yukio said, rubbing his brother's shoulder. "You can trust me, I'm your brother, I will always be here for you." A tear escaped Rin's eye and he quickly wiped it away.

"I trust you, Yukio, believe me, it's that I don't trust myself. You will always be here for me, but I won't always be here for you." A few more tears fell, this time, they made it off his face.

"Rin... what do you mean?"

He took a deep breath, "my days are numbered, Yukio. The Grigori has it out for me and it's only a matter of time before someone executes the son of Satan. Whether it be six months or six years, I'm dead, Yukio, dead!" (Cue: Dead - MCR)

The younger teen looked pained, "oh nii-san, I'm sorry you have to live like this, you deserve a normal life, just like everyone else."

Shura's words sparked in Rin's mind, "I'm not like everyone else, though! I'm not going to marry someone, or have kids," a sob burst from his chest, "I'm not going to die of old age, happily amongst the family and friends I've acquired over the years. No! I'm a damn dog to the government! I'm not even that, I don't have a category! I'm and it! It!" He was hysterical now, and Yukio sat wide eyed at his spectacle.

The twin shook his head, "where did you hear this? From who and when?" His words were sharp, this is what had been bothering him for so long. His poor brother...

Rin hiccuped and sobbed, wiping his tears, "Shura told me, during one of our training sessions. She got angry because I was up on my high horse, as usual, so she decided to tell me my place. And she is completely right..." he whispered, a hiccup ending his sentence.

Yukio groaned, that damn woman, she never had any consideration for others. "Don't listen to her, Rin. She's a bitter woman, angry that she can't get a man with her attitude." He sighed, pulling his brother into a hug. His next words came out gentle. "You deserve so much more than the world has given you, Nii-san. So much more. Maybe that is a sign that things can only get better from here." He pulled away, standing up and walking to the closet. He pulled out a pair of Rin's pajamas and handed them to him. "Can you do me a favor?"

Rin looked up, grabbing the clothes and standing, stripping to his boxers. "Hmm?"

"Tell me why you did what you did, why hurt yourself?" Rin turned back to his brother, his eyes genuine and voice sincere. He sighed, his heart preparing to open its gates.

"I need it, the pain. It's a distraction from what happens up here," he tapped his temple." When the mental pain his gone too far, physical pain numbs it out. I know it's fucked up, but it kept me grounded. Without it, I would've lost my sanity months ago." He sat back down on his bed, fingers tracing the blue flannel of his pjs. They were such a nice gift from Yukio, he loved them.

Yukio sat down next to his brother, putting an arm around his shoulder. "It is fucked up, but you've led a fucked up life recently, so I understand. Why did you use your teeth and nails though?"

"Like I said, I need it. After so long without it, I became anxious and testy. The only way to feel better is to hurt myself. Since you took that knife, I don't have a toy to do it with. Thus, I used what I could. By the way, blood tastes absolutely disgusting." He chuckled.

Yukio didn't find the humor in the joke, however. "You said you need it, but it's been almost a week since you've done it. So what have you been doing to calm those urges, Rin?"

The twin was silent for a moment, how the hell would he answer this? He definitely wasn't getting rid of his urges in a healthy way.

"Rin?"

"I don't know," he blurted out, "I've just been dealing with it, I guess." He was tense, and Yukio didn't understand why.

"Alright." Yukio stood up, believing that he should leave the conversation for the time being. He grabbed his jacket, Rin looked up.

"Where are you going?"

"To meet a colleague, I'll be back soon." He stated, looking at his brother. "And Nii-san?"

"Huh?"

"You're getting too skinny, almost deathly so. You need to eat more or else your health will start to deteriorate. Maybe we should take you to the nurse if it gets any worse." He said before walking out of the room.

Rin looked down at his bare torso, fingers running over his rib cage. His already high metabolism had been upped even further by his demon side. Since he hadn't been eating well the past few months and had recently started purging after every meal, he had lost an extreme amount of weight. He would have to be careful from now on. After all, his goal wasn't to starve, just to distract himself. Those few minutes of painful dry heaving and the burn left in his throats afterward were some distraction, too.

He sighed, leaning back in his bed, what a week it had been.