These Walls

Chapter Two

I'm hurt. Mentally and emotionally. And yet, every day, I walk with a smile plastered onto my face. Because that's just who I am. The girl that's always happy. Always smiling. I'm fine.

You always ask 'Are you okay' and you always get the same answer. 'I'm fine' but I'm not. I'm fine in the sense that you don't need to worry. But I'm not fine. Unless you consider sitting in the bathtub. No water running, except for the tears coming out of your eyes. Rocking back and forth, trying to calm the nerves beginning to show themselves because if they are shown you will finally know, that I'm not always okay.

I'm stuck. In between I care and I don't want to care anymore. In between I'll stay and I have every reason to leave. In between we've been through so much to give up now and I've been through so much to know I can't take it anymore. In between I can put up with all of this because all friends fight and I'm so sick and tired of fighting with you. In between the hope that things will go back to being good and things will never go back to the way things were before you left the first time. Even though things weren't good. I still miss the way things were. Maybe not before the first time you left but the second. I ask myself the same question every day. I just don't know if I'm ready to voice the question out loud because I'm scared, truly scared of your response.

Every night I have the same realization. The realization when you burst into tears at night and you realize that no one knows how truly unhappy you really are.

I feel numb. No pain. No ache. No nothing. I just sit here. Waiting. Waiting on you to call me again, just to hear your voice. Once I hear it, I think I'll be okay. Maybe.

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