Why not?
It was my first question each day when I woke up, and my last thought before I fall asleep.
Why am I still here?
The light on my nightstand blinded me. The letters were right next to my alarm clock and had been written and rewritten several times. I couldn't stand took look at them anymore, so I turn away.
Why stay?
My life is worthless. There's no reason to go on. The though wouldn't leave my head.
Not now.
I pulled myself out of bed, dreading the new day. Why don't I just do it already? I could avoid all this trouble and pain. The truth was, I was afraid. That was my life. I would always be afraid. I was nothing more than a worthless coward. If I wasn't, I wouldn't be here anymore.
As I got ready for school, my reflection caught my eye, and every imperfection made me feel like more of a loser. Maybe I should put on more makeup, to cover my blemishes more. Wouldn't in make a difference? No, there was no point. The cuts and scars on my face will always stand out, and set me further apart from everyone else, making me more of an abomination. Disgust surged inside me. Why couldn't I just be normal?
My head pounded as I headed downstairs, probably caused by my lack of sleep the night before. Thoughts of school, friends, drama always seemed to circle my head exactly when need to fall asleep. These thoughts were usually accompanied by questions about eternity and the meaning of life. I didn't get asleep until three. In retrospect, however, I probably shouldn't have stayed up reading until midnight.
The smell of a freshly toasted bagel wafted through the kitchen. I glanced at the clock - 6:30. There was an time to make one for myself. James will get mad at me if I'm any later. Plus, I never eat breakfast anyway, so why should today be different? Skipping is the best option. I should just go to the car.
Loud rock music reached my ears before I even opened the garage door. James, my older brother, was already in the car, giving me an annoyed look. I just couldn't handle this - not today.
"Could you turn it down?" I asked after getting in the car, practically yelling to be heard. "I have a headache." I should have guessed he wouldn't listen.
"I'm stuck driving you to school every day, so you've got to deal with it. Don't a bitch." He reached for the volume button and turned his music louder. I bit back a few choice words and tried not to focus on my pounding head.
Twenty minutes later, we arrived at Willows Academy, and my headache had already grown worse. Once the car was parked, I practically ran into the school to get away from the noise. I dropped my bag at my locker and headed to put away my instruments.
As I entered the the auditorium lobby, I let out a deep breath. This was St. Genesius Hall, Gene's for short, where all the "creative kids" hung out. The lobby was open with benches around the edges and walls made mostly of windows. A thin hallway lead to the band room, choir room, and backstage. A piano was at the end of the hall, and another was at the other end of the lobby. Small groups of students were scattered in various parts places, frantically finishing homework, or joking with friends. Music from the jazz combo rehearsal floated through the backstage hall and band lockers. In Gene's, there were always two things you could count on: an abundance of friends and music. For many people, Gene's is the place for outcasts, but to me, Gene's was more than just school. It my home. I was safe here.
Suddenly, the sound of the morning bell resounded through the school; I was going to be late to class. I sighed and resigned myself to another long day.
