Losing Jordan

Early Memories

I sit with my head in the hands speechless, not a single word would leave my lips. I couldn't be here any longer I just couldn't. I took off walking towards the park there were happy memories there not the ones swimming in my head currently. I sigh seeing my breath in front of me it was cold this time of year, I see the beginning of the park and head to the swings out of habit. I sit on the cold swing letting the memories consume me. When I first moved here last summer I came here every day as the sun was setting just to get some peace and quiet. This is where I first met him, he was playing football and one of his friends threw the ball and it hit me knocking my book out of my hand. I remember his beautiful long blonde hair bouncing up and down in front of his brown eyes as he jogged up to me. I close my eyes hearing his voice once again. "Sorry about that, hey you're the new girl right?" I nodded my head speaking I had head this a million times. "My names Jordan" he said his voice sounding like silk as the words passed over his tongue. "I'm Isabelle" I mumbled as I reached towards my book, in one quick motion he grabbed the book looking at the title. "13 reasons why" he whispered as he read the cover, "I'll make you a deal" He said you could hear the cockiness in his voice. "Go get coffee with me and I'll give you the book back" I thought about it for a second I could always get another book, but why not mom was always telling me be spontaneous. I nodded and he smiled oh god his smile could light up a whole room in seconds. I snap out of the memory feelings the tears running down my face, how could this be happening? I stood up pulling my jacket further in front of me, I began walking down the road to our coffee shop. El rays is its name, we would go here every Friday since the day we met it was our place. Not anymore though now it was just a place with allot of memories, I sit down at our table and order the usual. A black coffee and a muffin, Jordan always ordered a muffin they were his favorite. El Ray brings me over my order, "Where's Jordan" he asks smiling. "I don't know" I whisper tears evident in my voice. My memories take me back to the first time Jordan brought me here, it was late and we were trying to get out of the cold. "El Ray" Jordan yelled, "Can you please bring me and this beautiful lady a cup of coffee and two blueberry muffins." "Right away Jordan" yelled back El Ray, they clearly knew each other I thought. "El Ray over there is my dad's best friend" he said confirming my suspicions, I quietly nod. "You don't talk much do you?" he smiled oh god that smile I already miss that smile. "I talk" I said quiet confidently, "Then you just don't talk to me much" he smiled. "I just have nothing to say." I replied staring down at my hands. "Well Miss Isabelle we should change that" he says pushing a strand of my brown hair out of my face. I smiled and it was a once in a life time smile, well this was a once in a life time moment. After our coffee date Jordan walked me home even thought his house was in the opposite direction. I stand up and exit the coffee shop walking our path home, I remember how we walked me to the door and didn't even go in for a kiss. He said " I would love to kiss you right now Miss Isabelle but a first kiss has to be special so I'm simply going to hopefully run into you tomorrow?" he asks and walks away. I sigh as I enter my house my heart racing from the intensity of the night, was it possible to already love the boy I say jokingly in my head but somewhere in my head I knew this would be the start of something beautiful and oh so destructive. I mean he was so beautiful, and sweet but everyone has a dark side. I remember running to my room avoiding having to talk to my mom and laying in bed letting the thoughts of that night consume me I glimpse of happiness rolled over me I had finally made a friends and one that I thought would last. It should have lasted, we both wanted it to last. His love will forever haunt me and bring anguish to me.

Once again I start to think of our love story, some may call us star crossed lovers. Like Romeo and Juliet expect we were not forbidden by anyone but ourselves. Jordan was always a shinning star lighting up my torn existence. His love light a flame in my soul and made me want to continue on in life. I suffered from depression and it consumed me most days. Jordan always knew what to say and do. The tears pour out of me as I think of my sad reality my beautiful, smart, noble, and kind Jordan stole his father prize gun and put it to his head. This to me made no sense Jordan was never lacking a smile. Although no one knows what happens behind closed doors. Just thinking this dark thought took my mind to unspeakable thoughts. He lays on a table somewhere fighting for his life, his future. I walk down to the hospital almost like a machine does its job. I think back to my favorite memory of all, our first kiss. So sweet and gentle almost as if stolen, like my heart. "Miss Isabelle, may I walk you home" his angelic voice rang out in the hallway. "Only if you must Jordan" I said with a sigh, we meant so much to me. "So miss Isabelle, how was your day" he asked. I felt as if his concern was genuine so my reply was also, "It was a day, full of people, work, and nothingness." I said without hesitation. I felt as if my words could flow truly around him. As we reached our door he looked at me almost as if he was afraid. Without letting my thoughts consume me I reached up and pulled him close, stealing a small and gentle kiss. "As special as it could be" I said and ran inside before he could reply. My phone rings taking me out of my trance. "Hello" I said calmly as possible, "Isabelle i'm so sorry baby." my mother said. I knew what this meant, it meant he was gone he didn't have the strength to come back to me. "I'm outside" I said, "Don't come in Isabelle, don't". I ran as far as I could, this couldn't be happening.