Thoughts of a lonely mind

Tuesday - The best friend conundrum.

You know, when you finally go off to college, you have this image of how your life is going to be- getting all chummy with awesome roommates, having a über cool group of friends and that one bff who's going to stick with you forever and ever.

Well, that doesn't always happen.

Sometimes you get stuck with odd roomies, with whom you just can't seem to click. Sometimes you feel so awkward and alone in a new place that you end up being a hermit and not talk to anyone, only to realise everyone else has already got their partners in crime.
And when you finally, and accidentally, join a group, you find out the hard way that you're not as important to them as you thought you were.
You know, I'd never thought one day I'd ever get to the point where I'd be writing something like this because really, who ever does. You spend most of your teenage years fucking around in high school, with people you know and have been with for ages, with friends you think you're going to invite to your wedding as the bridal party because you're all so tight. But as soon as you're off to different colleges, different places, you notice this gap forming. This distance, you don't notice at once but suddenly feel when you're 5 months into your new life and you haven't been texting your mates every other minute, and that WhatsApp group which used to be bombed with thousands of messages every hour is now used only for wishing people a superficial 'Happy Birthday' (which you only remember due to that Facebook notification).
Then you start to wonder where you went wrong and started losing those important relationships, whether it was you or them who let go. And then they message you, which makes you feel so happy that you delude yourself into thinking that maybe, just maybe it's alright.

With your extensive course load, daily assignment and just everyday life, it's not that bad. But these feelings chip away at you little by little, when finally you melt down.

When I think about what's really got me down today, it's not just one incident that come to mind. It's the small everyday things, those small moments when you get left behind. It may not seem a lot, but it sits in you brain, makes a home in that tiny dark corner, just piling up, until one day it feels too much.

I can't possibly explain what little things have gotten a hold of my mind but I can tell you what was pin that burst my bubble of sadness.
As you've by now guessed I'm in college in a strange city. I won't say I'm the most popular person in the class but I do have my small group of friend, and what I thought till now, a sort of good friend-could be bff- college bestie.
Apparently that was just my view.
When - let's call her Leslie- Leslie came from her daily volleyball practice, she was yelling about some senior who had stopped her during practice and grilled her for giving him attitude. It's not her story which struck a chord with me, it was just one small sentence. It was her answer to the question - 'who is your best friend at college here?'
By now I'm sure you've guessed what she said, or didn't say, to be accurate.
Yup. She named two people, neither of who were me.
It may seem like a small thing, but not to me. It was the final shot below the belt, right where it hurt. And it did; hurt.
When the person you've been spending so much time with, when you're together most of the times, when you start to become close enough to have your own secret jokes, decide to be roomies for the rest of your dorm years, doesn't think of you with the same amount of affection, it's a pain like no other.
Maybe it was my fault for getting so attached, but you can't blame me, can you?
It's human nature to make friends, to seek someone who will understand you, who will stand by you, who will always have your back, someone who will think you first when they have to tell a secret or gossip, someone who you can trust blindly.
Simply, you just what that one person who will call you their closest friend.

Well, it's not that I'm going to throw myself off the building because someone didn't think that in their best friend. It just got me thinking about everything that's not right with my life.
Everything just starts piling up, no matter how irreverent or immaterial, until it because just high enough to block the sun in your sky.

It's times like this you wish your sister-from-another-mister (because best friend isn't adequate enough) didn't live miles away.
Or your mum.

Oh well, it is what it is.