Collection of my poetry

A letter written exactly how my mind thinks

      To the man I first loved, thank you for holding my little hands and protecting me from the dangers that come with living. Thank you for singing me to sleep when the nightmares clouded my head when the noises became too scary. I'm sorry I never showed you how much you really mean to me. Our relationship ends there, I'm two years old, I'm 5 years old, I'm eight years old and I'm leaving you behind, flying away as our hands unbind, I'm 15. 

     To the guy I fell in love with, or should I say lust. The one I was too stubborn to emotionally let go off. My heart sunk to the bottom of the ocean when you first texted me "I love you", not sure if it was a game or a mistake text so I "rebecca'd" you but I thank you for teaching me how it feels to fall in love with the wrong person, the one that just doesn't see you in that way because hey, I'm 15 and you're 20 but next year I'll be 16 and in math I'm not that far behind but I thank you for knowing that I loved you even though I never said it, for teaching me how college guys really are. For telling me your love problems even though I didn't wanna hear it. I'm sorry I never said goodbye at times, stood you up that one time made myself sick, felt as though you hated me so I skipped a couple meals, flew away once again I'm 16. 

     To my first boyfriend, the one that said "I love you" a little too soon, sorry I never said it but I wasn't really that into you. I walked into a relationship that I wasn't expecting, the first week all I was thinking about was how to make you dump me because despite the fact that I didn't want to be here I didn't want to hurt you. I kissed you just to see how much I really felt, I began to get attached tell you thinks I maybe shouldn't have and when I finally said "I love you" I was devastated, felt a part of me being shut away spoke too soon maybe, moved too fast probably. Felt like it was too late, the words were out there and no matter how hard I silently tried, I couldn't take them back. But eventually I saw you staying, not walking away anytime and I so began the process of pushing you away because I believed that letting you go was my way of showing love but I see now, even though I didn't know it, I was protecting myself from the inevitable. Never believed in rumors but my brain connected the dots and yet for some reason I seem to be thankful that you "loved" me despite knowing the fact that I am broken, for accepting my crazy fears and I'm sorry I allowed you to love me during my crazy years.  

     To my future lover, I advice you to not get attached, to run out while you still have the chance because loving me ain't no real loving man. I will treat you not the best, I will push you away no matter how fast and hard my heart is pounding at my chest, because allowing myself to love you and allowing you to love me would be a blessing and you should know that I would never allow myself to be happy. Behind the happiness comes a trail of self-destruction, making its way down into both our lives and starting a commotion. So babes listen to me because no one knows more about how this is gonna be. I am unable to act humans sometimes, my brain takes control at times. Not sure if it's mental illness or if I'm just at war at times, with who I wanna be and who I think I should be. Molded by society, influenced by others insanity, attacked by my anxiety, am I just over thinking it, this is taking another trail you see; what I'm trying to say is, I'm not sure if I'm a lover so it's best if you go ahead and find another.