"i love you"
no answer, as usual.
"joji?"
silence was creeping through the walls.
i got up and walked to the bathroom. i walked in and made sure the door was locked. i looked at my self in the mirror. i noticed all the things i didn't catch before. that one imperfection on my fore head. That one stubborn freckle on my cheek. i stayed in the bathroom for what had seemed like an eternity but in reality it was only 10 minutes. I decided to go back to the living room. joji was sitting there in his phone. our love seems artificial at this point. i try my best to not sob right there on the spot when joji just ignores me or looks through me like i'm glass.
"i'm going out with the boys"
thats the only reason he ever speaks to me. it's that or he has to film. i know he doesn't care or love me. why wont he just break it off already. i would but im just scared.
"okay"
thats all i could say. all the time.
once he left, i went into 'our' room. I sat at the bench and placed my fingers gently on the ivory keys.
"baby,
he never speaks to me
sorry,
i never see you
i never see you
i never see you
i never see you anymore
baby,
i need to be a little bit stronger
baby,
we can't last much longer
you're an earthly comfort
yet so divine
yet so divine
i never see you anymore
baby,
i never see you anymore
i can't see us lasting anymore"
we aren't lasting much longer. i can feel it edging towards the end of the road. disappointing really, all this time, put to waste. why did he even date me? he knew he was gonna get bored of me within the first week.
"did you write that?"
little did i know, joji was here the whole time.
"yes" i said barely over a whisper.
"why are you always so quiet"
i didn't answer. i didn't want to say that he gives me butterflies or he makes me nervous, he would think im pathetic. i really miss when i was able to share these things with him, now he couldn't care less.
"speak to me"
i simply look up with tears.
"i can't"
then unexpectedly he put his arms around me. i can feel the awkward vibes coming off of him. couples shouldn't feel this. they should be comfortable, not stiff.
"is that how you really feel about us"
i nod.
"you really have that amount of pride in our relationship? so much for being faithful."
i try to speak but the words don't come out. he begins to walk out. i grabbed him into a hug before he leaves.
"please don't leave, i never see you anymore. i need you here."
he just brushes me off and leaves. when i here the door slam i get up and walk to the bathroom and open the cupboard. joji seems to pay no mind to the orange bottles. as i took the 2 bottles i took a pill out of each. one for depression and one for anxiety. i swallowed them down with a glass of water. i dragged myself to the bed and spread out on the bed. i ended up curling up in a ball because i need body heat to keep me warm, not some comforter. i miss the nights when me and joji would lay down and talk about our futures together. not anymore. he would much rather hang out with his friends more than me. he would choose his friends over me in a heartbeat. he would even choose his enemy over me. i don't see a reason why not, i mean they are less annoying, and overall better than me in general. most of his fans ask if he has a girlfriend, he obviously says no. he used to say that it was to protect me but im starting to rethink that. he probably just doesn't have the time to acknowledge my existence anymore. i miss him. the old him. i wish he was my joji, now he's just joji. i want things to be like they used to.
wc / / 715
