Our Boys

The Bad Thoughts

Some hero I'm turning out to be, Simon thought to himself as he hurried down the quiet, deserted hallway of the hospital. The meeting that day with Josh's doctors had taken longer than he had planned, and that plus the last minute arrangements with work and Ethan had him returning to the hospital well after visiting hours. Poor kid. Probably went to sleep thinking ...well, who knows what. Need to do better man. I can't be letting Cal, Deji and Tobi down after they worked so hard to let us keep Ethan. The boy would be devastated if Josh didn't move in too.

The voice in his head came to a halt at that last thought. His mind was suddenly flooded with visions of his nephew Charlie; laughing, playing, pouting, crying, excited, scared...it was like a slide show in fast forward and Simon staggered slightly before catching his balance against the nearest wall. Fuck, what am I doing? It's only been three years since I lost him and my brother. Am I really doing the right thing? Thinking this will somehow heal that pain.

Simon shook his head and wiped the cold sweat from his forehead. Get a hold of yourself. You're going into this as a foster parent. Having Tobi was one of the best decisions of your life so why should this be any different? Somewhat reassured, Simon pushed away from the wall, giving the corridor a quick scan to make sure no one had seen his moment of weakness.

Quickly reaching the door to Josh's room, Simon hesitated with his hand on the handle. Doubts tried to rise once more but he forced them back with an annoyed frown and another silent message of encouragement to himself. Get a grip and quit having these conversations in your head. Keep this up and you're gonna start talking to yourself.

"Yeah, that's all I need."

Simon slowly eased the door open, expecting to find the room dark and Josh asleep in his bed. The sight that greeted his eyes put to rest once and for all any doubts he might have had about becoming the child's foster parent.

Directly in front of the door was a window that overlooked a small park area within the central grounds of the hospital. The window's blinds were pulled up revealing black panels of glass glistening with jewel-like drops of rain. Josh stood gazing out into the darkness, his forehead resting against the glass and one hand slowly tracing the trails of water. The blanket that Simon had given him hung from his small shoulders, highlighting not hiding his too thin frame. As Simon watched, a small cough shook the slight body and ignited every fathering instinct within the young man.

"What are you still doing up and why aren't you wearing any socks? You trying to catch pneumonia?"

Josh's head turned so fast it was a wonder he didn't pull a muscle. Hazel eyes went wide with surprise and his mouth dropped open in a startled 'oh'.

"Well?"

"You ...you came back."

The awe and wonder in that simple statement was almost Simon's undoing. Clearing his throat, he stepped further into the room while giving a curt nod toward the bed. "Of course I came back, I said I would. Now hop in that bed and get yourself covered up. I thought you wanted to come live at mine and JJ's farmhouse and ride horses with Ethan and play the greatest video games ever known to man?"

"I do but...." Josh frowned doubtfully as he slowly made his way to the bed. He wanted to be happy that Simon had returned but too many upsets and disappointments in too short a time made him wary of getting his hopes up.

"But what?" Simon held the covers back as Josh climbed into the bed.

"Dr. James said I couldn't leave."

"I think what he said was that you couldn't leave today." Simon tucked the blanket in securely as he reassured the child. "He wants to make sure that cough doesn't get any worse. Didn't he explain that to you?"