Simanda Anthology

Soulmate

A/N I totally forget to post this yesterday, so you get this now. Little darker one again. Inspired by song named Soulmate. Warnings: selfharm.

Soulmate

”Maybe we just reached that point when we had enough of each other’s”, that hurt. That hurt so fucking much. Simon said it to me. Not to me and Alesha, just me. And he meant it. So that’s it, we’re done now, Simon?

“Maybe we have”, my voice sounds cold even to my own ears. I start walking of the stage. My heart is aching and I’m so angry, so angry! I’m holding Alesha’s waist while we storm off and she’s probably the only thing that keeps me from flipping at the moment.

We are sitting and drinking tea. Boy’s keeps judging and I’m shaking from anger. How dare they? And more important how dare he? He doesn’t respect me at all. I thought we had something special. I guess I was wrong. I need to do something I promised myself I won’t do at the work, but now I have to.

“I have to use a bathroom”, I excuse myself to Alesha and rush towards the bathroom. I’m trying to get something out of my purse but my hands are shaking too badly from anxiety. I get in the bathroom after time that feels like forever. I lock the door and start lifting my skirt up to my waist. I bring my pocket knife onto my thigh and cut slowly inhaling deeply from the pleasure. I always cut a thigh or lower stomach but never arms. Arms shows, I cut places that other’s cannot see.

I keep cutting my left thigh deeper and deeper. My vision starts blacken and I can go into my own thoughts. Why am I always alone? Why no one hears my cries? I just long to have someone to hold, someone who knows how to love me without being told. They says that there’s a soulmate for everyone but why I’m still on my own? Am I not good enough?

I have had a relationships before, they were good while they lasted but in the end I always get hurt. For a moment I believed that Simon could be my perfect match. How naïve from me, he doesn’t care of me, he doesn’t respect me.

My thought are interrupted with sharp pain. Oh shit I cut way too deep. I help my skirt down and I try to get up from the toilet seat I have been sitting but it only makes my vision go totally black and I lose my balance. I hit the hard floor and it makes me even dizzier. I lay on my own pool of blood and try to reach my purse for phone. I need help, I don’t want to die now. I have my phone in my hand but I have too hard time to focus to actually do anything with it. I can’t even remember why I have it anymore so I just let it drop from my hand, it’s too heavy. My eyelids are also too heavy and I have to close them. I take few swallow breaths and I start giving up for sleep. I’m so tired.

Loud banging forces me back. Alesha, Alesha is yelling my name. Where I am? I try to answer but I cannot. I manage somehow make weak noise but I don’t think she hears that. Now I see light radiating from the door. She must have got it open. There’s dark figure hoovering on me. Alesha?

“Amanda what have you done?” I can hear Alesha’s voice asking. She sounds so concert. But I cannot remember why, until she takes my head to her lap and calls someone. Ambulance, she’s calling an ambulance. The cut! I cut myself and that’s why I feel so dizzy. I must tell her that I didn’t meant to. It was accident.

“Accident- I didn’t want to die- Accident”, I somehow manage mumble with a hoarse voice.

“Shhh Mandy, I’m here. Just try to not fall asleep”, she soothes. I try not to sleep but I cannot help. Everything just blacks out.

…

I wake up and the light is hurting me. Everything is so white and bright. I’m on something soft and warm. But the smell around me is so sterile that it disgusts my sore brains. Wait, sterile? This is a hospital, I’m in a hospital!

“Welcome back miss Holden. You are in hospital and I’m your doctor. No need to be afraid. Breathe deep and let your brains adjust a moment. You suffered severe blood loss from the cut in your main thigh vein but we managed to stop the bleeding. We have replace most of your blood loss but you might feel little dizzy for a moment. Would you like to talk what made you want to do that to yourself?” I look at the middle aged man in a white doctor coat.

“It wasn’t a suicide attempt. I don’t want to die”, I state bluntly. I have no idea what else to say. I don’t want them to think I’m suicidal, I’m not! It was only accident.

“Yes, miss Holden. But I would recommend some therapy for you to help you with your cutting. This wasn’t first time with a knife, was it miss?”

“I have never cut so deep, sir”, I defend. Quite weak defense but only I have at the moment.

“Well there’s always the first time. You were lucky that it wasn’t also the last time. Even though cutting barely causes death if injured person is founded early enough, it’s not anything you should be playing with.”

“Yes sir, I understand but I don’t need help”, I say but he looks me with a knowing face.

“Yes she does and she will. Could you please recommend the best therapist for her”, my face shots to the doorway and there is standing Simon with a serious face.

He comes to sit next to my bed and has a short conversation with the doctor before dismissing him.
“What the fuck was that, Amanda? You could have died!” Simon yells at me and I lower my hand with a shame. How he can be that intimidating?

“I didn’t mean to”, gosh I’m such a whimpy. He was the one who did wrong! Why am I apologizing my whole bloody existence?

“Bloody Hell, Amanda. Do you have any idea how much that affects everything?”

“Stop yelling at me! It was your fucking fault! Why you had to be such a jerk at me earlier? What have I ever done to you? I thought we had something, but obviously I was wrong”, I scream back at him and I can feel a salty tears creeping to corner of my eyes and starting to fall down freely.

Surprisingly he just pulls me into tight hug. He’s crushing my bones when he finally speaks out: “I could have lost you today, Mandy! I have never been so afraid in my life. I’m sorry I was such a jerk. Please Mandy, don’t ever do anything like this ever again.”

He cares? He really cares for me? He even apologized, Simon apologized? He never apologize anything because he’s never wrong, or so he thinks. But here he is, telling me that he’s sorry while holding me so tightly it actually hurts a little. But I’m so warm right now.

“Mandy please, promise me”, he repeats. I know he needs answer for that one. Is that a tear I feel? Is mighty Simon Cowell crying against me? Any other moment I would be laughing at this awkward situation, but not now.

“Yes, I promise”, I lie. I know I cannot promise that right now, but he needs to hear that so I just let it slip from my lips. I bite my tongue from lying but I cannot help it. Sometimes you just have to lie to make other’s feel better.

“I don’t know what I would do if I lost you, Mandy. I love you”, he says those magical three words to me. He loves me. That makes me just cry harder and hug him like my life would be depending on it. I wasn’t wrong earlier, I actually have found my soulmate. I’m not alone anymore. I have someone to hold me, someone to love me and someone to share my secrets with.

“I love you, Simon.”