I Can't Change

Tears

**Harry's P.O.V**

September 19, 2010

Dear Journal,

Today has been by far the worst day EVER. I woke up like any other day, and went to hang out with my friend Nick from school. We went and hung out at our secret spot in the park. It's a Saturday after all and that's what we usually do. We talked as always and goofed but something seemed odd about Nick. He was getting extra close and would constantly just stare. Right when I was about to ask him what was wrong, I felt something hard against my lips. Nick was kissing me. When realization hit, I immediately backed away and got mad.

"Holy cheese crackers! Nick why?!"

I was mad. But not necessarily at him. I was mad at myself because for some reason I didn't hate it. It wasn't a good kiss but the fact that a guy kissed me didn't freak me out. And THAT freaked me out.

"Harry I'm so sorry! I wasn't thinking! Oh my God what did I do?"

As soon as the word 'God' left his mouth I panicked. What would my mother say if she found out a boy just kissed me? What if she panics and tells the priest? What if the priest is disgusted and tells the whole congregation? Everyone would hate me!

"Harry are you okay? What's wrong?"

"You can't tell anyone what just happened! And it's never going to happen again! Gosh what is God thinking of me right now?!"

"God? Harry you don't actually believe in that whole gays go to hell crap do you?"

Yes! I mean that's what everyone at church says. It has to be true.

"Yes! I don't know, maybe."

"Harry it's not true."

It had to be. But then again the bible says God loves everyone right so why would he make an exception towards gay people? That's just mean. Not that I care, not like I'm gay. Or am I? Ughh I don't know anymore.

"Doesn't matter. That wasn't supposed to happen. And it won't again."

"Are we still friends?"

The look he gave me killed me. He was my best friend after all and a simple kiss was not going to ruin that.

"Yeah I just need some time to think and be alone."

"Oh okay, I understand. Well um, I guess I'll go now. Text me later?"

"Yeah sure."

I smiled at him as he left but when he was gone I ran home locked myself in my room and now here I am. Writing and crying and not knowing who I am anymore or what will happen.

"Harry dinner is ready!" Gemma called out.

"I'm coming!" I yelled back.

What am I supposed to do? I've spent the last two hours making myself believe that I'm not gay. That it's disgusting and wrong and disgraceful. Everyone would hate me! My mom would probably kick me out of the house. But the sad truth is I AM gay. I thought long and hard and yeah I am. I licked the way his rough lips felt on mine. It's better than a girl's extremely soft ones. And the way his big rough hand wrapped around the back of my neck. I liked that he was dominant. But I don't like Nick. Oh well. I guess when I find a guy, if I find a guy, I hope he's dominant. Honestly I like it when someone else takes the lead. Now the problem is how do I keep this from my mom and Gemma. Gemma is like my best friend and my mom can read me like a book. We'll see what happens. Now I have to go downstairs and try to act normal.

I went to my restroom and washed my face. My eyes were puffy and my nose red. My mom and Gemma would find out I was crying. Ugh I have to think of something. Whatever, I'll figure something out to tell them, if they even ask.

****So guys this is just the intro and I want to know what you guys think. Give me feedback. I'll listen to any and all advice. Comment what you think. Depending on how much good feedback I get, I'll do the next chapter.

Love you guys****