My Letter To You

What's with me?

I've always been so attached to you. We both felt a connection I'm assuming. There was just something that told me I could trust you. Like an addiction forming. I keep coming back when I know it's wrong. I shouldn't put myself back to a place where I was scared. Scared to make the wrong move or say the wrong thing. But you let me. You never pushed me away, even though you probably should've. I mean, look how down we got. It always seemed that I was lot happier in the friendship then you did. You kinda seemed to regret it. In public at least. When we where texting u we're fully aware of me and what my views are. But once we were in a group, I disappeared. Maybe it's because I'm short. Maybe it's because I'm not good in a very large group. But I'm also not good on my own. 2-3 people was the perfect number for me. But you never really did. I guess I was good to have around that time. You know what I'm talking about. I often thought i was just the replacement. Who was there to say I wasn't? I got stuck in a toxic place with you. And you with me. We fought. But I didn't want to lose you. I still don't. I couldn't bear the thought thinking you would never talk to me or even look at me again. This probably doesn't even make sense cause my brain is fucked up but, I can't help to think and think and think about why we were so close then instantly so distant. Now I just... feel used. Like I was an escape. From your parents and other people who you thought hated you. I was like a train. Always there at the good or bad times. Always used then forgotten. Im not saying you didn't appreciate me or what I did for you. Everyone appreciates the train when you need it. But once you don't need the train it becomes annoying. Blowing the whistle, shaking the ground (Believe it annoying). Once I'm not needed I become a burden. Cause everyone need to get something out of everything. Me? I don't like to think that way. That sound like stupidity and ignorance to me.
I regret that I was always looking for your or anyone else approval. I just hate doing something wrong and still do. But that's one thing I needed help with. I needed repairing. But you were fine, so that means everyone else is fine too, right? I guess you realized that I did need help eventually. You thought I was dumb, but I was just unsure. I didn't know how to think for myself. Everyone would brush it off like normal, when I couldn't even ask the teacher a question any day at anytime. I guess repairing me got to be too much for you. We fought. Stop talking for a while. Decided it was for the best. I met some people broken like me. They helped repair the broken parts you missed. I helped too. I figured out how to do things on my own. But you were gone. A big part of my life for the last few years. Even thought you were gone you held a huge part of me. And no matter what I couldn't get you off.you were there everyday. Then gone without a word. I felt like everything was new. That everything doesn't revolve around other people just myself. But there will always be that hold you have on me. It brings madness to my mind. I keep feeling like I'm going to fall backwards down the rabbit hole. I couldn't handle the silence from you. The look on your face when ever you saw me was anything but pleased, happy, not even relieved. I couldn't take it anymore. So I asked you. Will this continue or can we stop being idiots for a while at least. (Not exactly like that but you get the point). We talked. It was a fair amount at first but then we ran out of things to talk about. We were different people to each other. Almost strangers. Once it was the two of us in person it was great. It worked perfectly. Then we get in public and I'm forgotten, ignored and invisible. It's like being in another room while the party is going on in the other. It's annoying as fuck. Maybe it's just me over thinking, we all know I can do that quite easily. Maybe you dont see what you do. Probably cause you are still stuck in what I like to call an awake dream. It's when you think back and tell yourself " why would you ever do that? That SOO stupid" I know I've had 2 of those. So maybe here some help to wake you from your daze. Guess what? The world is cruel. It's a fact. Sometimes more then others. Not everyone will like you. You may not have a bunch of friends going to somewhere new. Stop being fake. It's noticeable I can almost promise you it's obvious. Affection can be showed in different ways( most people enjoy it to be showed to other people).
I hope you read this realize our story has been told and think about what I said. If you disagree, try really looking at what you say to people 1 on 1 vs a group of people. You might surprise yourself. I hope maybe one day we can get to a point where we are both comfortable with each other and can hang out again. Cause I really do miss you.  I hope you don't hate me for this either.

Love
A friend