01/01/18
9:31 PM
I don't know where to start with this one but to all of those people reading this, this is for Alan.
My love, everybody knows you as the guy who writes sweet messages on my board but they don't know you as well as I do. For one, I know that you not only write, but you also do. I know that there are more days that you choose me over you. I don't have the knack for surprises but you still do anyway. So it will not be a surprise that as you're reading this, it will make you happy, but at the same time, you are already thinking of ways to make me happier. For once, let me be the one to make you feel special, so you know how it feels whenever you make me feel like that every day.
There are so many reasons why I should thank you, but even more to be sorry for. I am sorry, and thank you. I am sorry for the days when our relationship's weight is 99% on you and 1% on me, but thank you because you still take that load with a smile on your face. I am sorry that there are battles within myself that I can't handle and battles with the world that get the best of me but thank you because you fight all those battles with me and for me and because you know how to handle me better than I know how to handle myself. I am sorry because there are so many reasons why I hate myself, because there are more times that I am weak than strong and because I constantly need a hand to point the right direction but thank you because you love me for the same reasons why I hate myself, because you are my source of strength even on days when you are weak, and because you've always been behind me to give that little push that I need in everything I do but also in front of me to protect me from whatever comes my way. Sorry if I do not have enough kindness, independence, courage, bravery, positivity and warmth, but thank you because you have every single one of those to compensate mine.
Alan, you are everything a man should be, and every day I ask myself what I ever did to deserve you, and though I could thank you a million times for all that you do, I know it will never be enough, so I will thank God instead. Thank you God for bringing such a wonderful being in my life.
I used to write a lot back then. I used to write of tears that were sad, goodbyes that never came with a hug and sunsets that only looked beautiful on the outside. You were the reason why I stopped... At first, I wasn't sure whether that was a good thing, but I realized that all I ever wrote about back then were metaphors of of the ocean and similes of the sky and how these two were me because I was constantly drowning in my own waters and constantly grasping for clouds that would put a pop of color in my otherwise song of blues. When I stopped, I thought I was losing my spark but I realized that after I met you, the spark wasn't just a spark anymore, the spark has become something more constant and something more sure: a flame. The only reason I wrote back then was because I was sad. And I wasn't sad anymore with you. So, tonight, on this very special day, allow me to tell you how much you mean to me in the only way I know how. We are not perfect and we do not have a perfect relationship. We fight, but our fights are not so little that we don't know what went wrong, and not so big that we resort to plain insults. Like others, there are good days and bad days. We have had our fair share of storms, hurricanes and floods, but we have somehow braved each one. We are two different people, with our opinions on opposite sides of the table, and we do not agree on most things, and all this time I think, "How are we so different and yet so alike?"
Somebody once asked me why I fell for you and my reply was; I fell for his soul. I fell for the person behind the facade. I fell for his cries behind smiles. I fell for his pains behind jokes. It was beautiful - falling for someone who is as dented as you are. I thought falling would be a manifestation of entropy. It isn't. I now realized that the more I fall, the more things are being put into place. Maybe I should stop resisting the force and let universe do its work.
Alan, you are my through thick and thin, my fix, my home, my #1 fan. You are also my bestfriend. So many people make love so complicated. They think it has standards, ideals, terms, rules, and boundaries. You make it so simple. You love me and I love you and that's the only thing that matters. Everything else, we figure out afterwards, right?
Happy first year to us, sweet baby! I can't wait to start off this year with you again. Everything has been brighter now that you are around. At the end of 2016, I could not have predicted how it would work out for 2017 so thank you for making last year a year to remember.
Yours for always,
Indie
