She loves counting stars

Welcome to my life

I was reading ‘The Fault in Our Stars’ and listening the music of wracking and smashing of the buildings from a video game my nephew has been playing. “Look he has a spiky bullet gun!” said my nephew and I mumbled “hmmmm” without lookin at the screen. He didn’t bother if I saw it or not too. I just started reading this book because I heard and read a lot about it on tumblr and twitter. I feel like Agustus Waters is really cute and the lill conversations between them make me remind of one of my friends. He is actually an instagrammer whom I have never met. Maybe weird but Im one of those kind of girls who actually starts feeling everyone as if they are real and even when I chat I start feeling his/her presence in my actual life.

And a sudden thought of my ex hits the roads of my brain. I still can’t get over him, it’s been a week. So I started reading again just to stop my brain from alarming my eyes to flow. Going through the pages, wondering if Hazel’s life was actually sad? Hazel is a 17 year old girl who is suffering from lung cancer. I feel bad for her, how her mom spends her day in her medicines. But on the other hand my lazy soul like how Hazel is being cared by her mom and others. It was 2 and I decided to sleep as my eyes were stretching my PC’s battery went down.

I turned my socks on and took my blanket which covered myself. Its 2.08 am. I checked my phone for notifications, There were some instagram notifications. Suddenly whatsapp notification. Checked it a little excitedly, it was group message in which I am never interested much. I realized I am single now. Its been a week to my official breakup. I turned my phone off and kept it aside. Tried to sleep. I could feel him beside me. I turned to my left side, I could feel his fingers on my cheek. I could see him right beside me. His tan face as always looked sleepy. His eyes, half open, looking at me as if I’m a 5 year old child whom he wants to kiss. I let my hands fall on him trying to hug and closed my eyes to sleep. “I love you” I said quietly. No answer sounded back. A tear from my closed eyes started to sneak out of my right eye. I could feel both of my eyelashes wet, wrinkles on my forehead. I didn’t wanted myself to wakeup or realize that nothing of what I mentioned previously was happening. I wanted to keep my eyes stay closed and wanted to keep myself at the same place in his arms. But I know it wasn’t true and I had to open my eyes to empty them. I still love you, please don’t go. I wanted to text him this but I didn’t.

Turned my phone back on, tried to see if anyone was online. Texted Ellie. One of my online buddies. She didn’t answer me so I started seeking in instagram, watching few posts, tried to search a suitable pic to my heart-made-caption and posted. Then I pressed the heart button to check the notifications expecting as if I was a celebrity haha. New message. Ellie was here. I talked to her for a while, forgot about everything that I thought of previously and talked about every funny and impossible things. My eyes started to stretch and I thought it was time to sleep so I did.

It was morning I figured out from noises from the kitchen that mom was making breakfast. It was sad that its morning and I’ll have to wakeup and face one more day again. With my full force I opened my wet eyes staring at the ceiling fan, then to the window on my right and my phone vibrated. Good morning messages in group chat. I don’t even answer those.

I brushed my teeth and thought to breakfast.

“Legs are still paining and I have to wash these clothes and make lunch.  How much a person can do alone!”

I know how it indicates that I should help her though she knows that I can’t. I mumbled in agreement and left. Went to my room, with plans of checking some updates online, checked my phone and instagrammed a picture I captured few days back at a Animalia nature park. It was of birds sitting on top of tree, few were flying around it. It was pretty for me, the grey clouds around it made it more situational. I took my laptop and started seeking for some songs that would make me feel related.

Time flies like jet plane when I’m doing something online. It was one hour left to my college time and I decided to take bath. I stood up towards my closet. It had mirror on the door.

I looked at myself. I could see how ugly and sad I was. Every time that I looked at mirror I used to feel how Mike must be feeling when he looked at myself. How I looked to him. This time I was feeling worst as there won’t be mike to look at me like that.

I liked him, I loved him. Why he had to go away. Why he couldn’t love me the way I did. He should have understood when I asked him to study and get a job. I could see my eyes again shine & full of water. Why do I even cry. I hugged in the mirror as if it was him on the other side of the mirror and closed my eyes. I love you Mike, please don’t go. I could feel him right with me, I could feel my face and lips on his chest and then crawling towards his neck. The fragrance of his marvelous perfume. I moved my hands on his shoulder and then on his right hand. Please don’t go again. I laid my lips towards his, eyes full of tears bursting out. I opened and fell in alas, I feel bad for myself, for my condition in which I was in.

Hello miss broken-ugly haired-fat-girl. Didn’t you heard what your mom was talking about in the morning. Useless you are. Would you look at the clock and go to bath please!

I realized it was only half hour late so I went and took shower in 10 minutes and got out seeking for perfect clothes. By perfect clothes I meant in which I look slim and pretty. Very few of them are perfect. Tried two different ones and finally wore one black and white shirt. Decided to wear cardigan on it just so less of my body is visible.