Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act....
TS Elliot, The Hollow Men
After.....
"Grandfather."
I had thought I was alone, there in the abandoned marble halls outside the War Room. Inside that accursed room, fools and knaves made their plans on how to wrest one hectare more from the enemy, with little regard to what their plans would ultimately effect- or whom, rather. Outside, in these formerly hallowed halls, there were only cobwebs and dust, now that the war had taken such a vast toll on the population. The stale, unmoving air was laced with the regrets and losses of ten billion years. Oh, and me. Fitting, wasn't it?
Except I wasn't alone. Susan, dear Susan, was standing there, dressed in clothes that still smelled of the twenty second century. Half in the shadows as I was, her voice held a question, as if she wasn't sure it was I. Who could blame her for her uncertainty? I wasn't sure who I was anymore. I nodded, but didn't step into the light, preferring to stay against the wall. It was the only thing keeping me on my feet at that point. The Zarbi were no more, I had just learned. One more race had been sacrificed to the ever hungry maw of conflict.
"What are you doing here," I rasped, not daring to look at her. What else would be drawn in, fodder for the flames? "Why, in the name of all that is true, are you here?"
Susan swallowed, hesitating before answering, "The Lady President- she's recalled all living Time Lords back to Gallifrey, for the war."
A bitter laugh burned in my throat, managing to escape only when I looked up. She was still so young compared to me, still so innocent, and far too much trust still shone in her eyes as she looked at me, studying my face. "They'll be raising the dead next," I joked humorlessly; though, inside I shuddered, knowing it could very well be a prophesy of things to come.
How right I would soon be. Fools think together and no greater fool than I, was there?
"You've changed, Grandfather," she accused, not appreciating what passed for my humor these days. "How?"
The remained energies of that forced regeneration had not ceased to linger in my bones; flesh and sinew tight and hot beneath skin that still felt unfamiliar. I'd only looked upon my visage once in a mirror, and never again since. Looking upon the man in the mirror was too hard, as I found my previous selves rightfully looking back in judgement of what I had become. I grimaced at the recollection. Still uncomfortable with those changes, and ever ready to ignore the parts of reality I didn't favor, I had mostly kept from acknowledging it to myself- much less to others. But I did smile. I had to, otherwise I'd be railing at the skies like a madman. "Ran afoul of the Keepers of the Flame of Eternal Boredom. This was their grand scheme to save the universe."
Looking shocked and horrified, she put a hand up to cover her mouth. "But Grandfather, that's awful!"
"More necessary than awful, I've been told, and little choice besides. Let it be said that necessity is the mother of invention, my dear, and this-" I waved a hand to indicate my coarsened and battered attire- "was more required than you can ever imagine. Far more has changed than I have. Look around you, have you ever known this place to be this quiet? Or the city below so chaotic?"
She shook her head. "No. It's so... like they discarded their dignity, like the stag before the hounds, like the humans of earth would say."
Good analogy, that. I could think of none better. Humans, always so good with words and turn of phrases. Would I ever get the chance to see those clever primates again? I thought not, but I could still hope. Perhaps if I could manage to slip away, I could go back. Go back to earth and find a worthy companion, take them to see the wonders amongst the stars- I should like that very much indeed. "Very much so." I rocked forward onto my toes, the moment of overwhelming remorse passed enough to set aside for the time being. "Refugees, in from the outlying colonies, and others, like you: the newly returned. None that aren't of Gallifrey, though. Heavens forfend that any people but ours gaze upon our famed domed city and dine with dusty statesmen." More bitterness and regret crept into my voice, remembering an old argument with Romana over whether opening up our barriers to allow other races in. After all, this was the safest place in the galaxy so far. Not like we'd be dropping time bombs on ourselves and using demat guns against our own people, would we? A worrisome thought occurred to me then. "Alex, did they make him stay behind...?"
Susan smiled at me in assurance, shaking her head. "No, he's here. They let me bring him with me, despite who his father was. I've hopes to enroll him in the Academy."
"Pointless. Only thing being taught there now is the fine art of dying. In formation and with fully proper military procedure, of course- they wouldn't have it any other way," I said as an aside, mind whirling as I began to pace. If they were here, they could be drafted into service. Susan, she wouldn't make a soldier by anyone's standards, but Alex...
I could get them out of here, find them somewhere, somewhen, the Council wouldn't look for them, mask their bio signatures somehow... No matter how much subterfuge and creeping about it took, I could do it. I could pull this off with one arm tied behind my back. These could be two lives spared, a little piece of my hearts kept safe from the ravages of war. The only thing kept safe, I figured, whatever hadn't been hardened to the point of petrification yet.
"Come, we'll go to the TARDIS, I'll find you both somewhere safe. Where's the boy?"
But Susan shook her head, something akin to regret and disappointment on her face as she said, "No, Grandfather. Not this time. I can't just abandon our people, our family, like that."
I sighed. Of course she'd be that loyal, that honorable. If nothing else, I had taught her that much. If I only I hadn't been such a good man then. If only....
Susan stepped forward, daring to approach and lay a gentle hand on my arm. So small, so fragile, compared to me. Why would she do this, why? "And Alex... he wants to be here, too. Can't you understand, Grandfather?"
I understood too well. Far too well, and I mourned it already, knowing the odds. "You'll die here," I told her, not willing to sugarcoat the truth. "We'll all die here. It's just a matter of time and how far the Council is willing to go and how many they'll destroy along with us. All is lost, even if we haven't accepted what's before our very eyes. Do you want that for your son, as well?"
Tears stood in her eyes as she backed away, shaking her head in denial. "No, Grandfather, just... no. There has to be another way, there has to be. We cannot all just give up hope, we can't."
I turned away, unable to look upon her and see her disappointment and sorry any longer. "All hope is gone, there is no more hope left. None. Arcadia calls, for the fourth time. What hope can there be when that city and its people has been lost and restored over and over again? Soon the timelines around it will begin to tangle, and once that starts it won't be long before they collapse. This is just delaying the inevitable." I strode away, knowing that I would still end up being drawn to Arcadia again. Indeed, Arcadia calls...
