A Dash of Pepper

The Last Time

When Vernon left his apartment, he didn't have a destination in mind. All he knew for certain was that he needed to get out and hopefully clear his mind. His thoughts had been racing for days and now the knot in his stomach was becoming dangerously close to being completely tangled with no hope of ever coming loose again. His legs felt heavy as he padded along on the sidewalk, opting out of riding his bike tonight.

He fished into his jacket pocket for some headphones and shoved them into his ears as he wandered further and further from home, wanting to block out the sounds of the night time traffic and the tamping of his feet against the ground. Enough was getting to be enough and soon Vernon finally willed himself to totally push everything out of his mind, or so he thought. Soon enough he found himself rounding the corner to a very familiar street, even in the darkness it was unmistakable. 

During the previous months, Vernon had ridden his bike here almost every single day, his heart swelled up like a dangerously full water balloon, ready to pop at any moment, but he hadn't cared. This was something special and he wasn't afraid, for once, to let himself just go with it. To soak it up like a lazy cat lounging in a sliver of warm sunlight some days and others to drink it in like a man dying of thirst who finally found some water. It was unlike anything he'd ever allowed himself to experience. At the time, the consequences of such a thing were meaningless. 

Once it fully sunk in that the familiar glow of the slightly discolored porch light was really there, looming a few houses ahead, the fuzz cleared from his mind. His legs locked up and he found himself glued in place. "Shit," he breathed out. He looked around, finding the street mostly empty at this hour, save for a very tired old man walking his small dog around in his yard across the road. He took a deep breath, inhaling slowly enough to almost make his chest ache even more, if possible, before letting it all out in a nervous puff of breath. "Fuck."

Vernon yanked the earbuds downward, instantly cutting off the soft music he'd been focusing on the beats of as he walked, and pressed forward towards the house. I can't keep doing this to myself, he thought sadly. Things hadn't been good for a while. They got better, but they never got back to the way they were in the fall. Vernon chalked it up to the winter weather, but now as his shirt stuck to his chest due to the sweat that was courtesy of the hot summer night air, he had to rule that out. Something was different and the constant on and off had to stop here. He couldn't live this way.

His hands were shaking as he managed to reach up and knock softly on the door, his heart pounding in time with his knocks as all the practiced speeches flooded through his mind in a jumbled mess of words and hopes and worst case scenarios. He shook his head, trying to shake out those thoughts. He had to fight for himself now, he had to lay it all out here and now and either fix things for good or walk away.

This wasn't the first time he'd found himself here, standing uncomfortably on this porch and waiting to try and make things right. It took him almost two weeks to realize that he wasn't totally without blame here. Maybe he hadn't been really listening, maybe he hadn't been as understanding as someone else needed him to be. Maybe he had been too quick to walk away after the hurt built up without saying anything because every time before this, he knew things would be somewhat okay. 

Vernon's hands balled up into little fists, his fingernails digging into his palms as the door creaked opened and he was met with two tired eyes. There seemed to be nothing there upon first glance, but Vernon could see through the facade of lack of interest. He knew him being here came as no surprise. 

"I can't keep doing this," he blurted out to no reaction. He pressed on, feeling the hot sting of tears building up behind his eyes. "We can't keep doing this. We both deserve better than what we're getting right now. I want to give you better."

A sigh, shaky and faint. "I keep coming back to you, but nothing gets fixed. We need to find middle ground, I can't keep begging you to love me as much as I love you."

His vision blurs but he can see their posture soften, shoulders slumping as they move forward. "You're an idiot." The words hardly register to Vernon as he feels arms wrap around him. Vernon shakes his head and pulls back a little. "N-no, you have to listen," his voice cracks. The arms loosen their grip.

Everything in him wants to bolt. Every inch of his body tenses up, ready to make a run for it. "I need to know.  I'm not asking again... Am I the only one? Because I can't just be some guy to you. I can't. You're the only person I feel... anything with." He can hear how jerky and uneven his words and breathing are as the red hot shame creeps up his neck, making his throat feel tight.

The silence hangs heavy between the two of them and Vernon is ready to turn around and run home when two firm hands find their way to his waist, holding him in place. "I promise you, there is no one else."

Vernon chokes out what could only be described as a quick bark of a laugh, tinged with unmistakable hurt as he leans in, burying his face into the warm exposed skin on the crook of their neck. A hand finds its way to the top of his head and gently pats against his short hair. "This is the last time, I promise. I won't hurt you anymore"