Broken.

3.

        I awoke to the sound of my alarm blaring in my ear. Honestly I'm scared to go. It's currently 3:30 am and I don't want to go, but mum will kill me if I miss my flight. I hobbled to the bathroom groaning as I flipped the switch, and bright white light flooded the bathroom. This light is impossibly bright. I reached over and turned  the shower water handle all the way to hot, I stripped and climbed in.

        I start to wash my hair, all my scars are standing out because of the hot water. They are everywhere, my arms, legs, stomach, they cover my entire body. No one is going to find me beautiful. These scars make me more hideous than I already am.  I remember every reason I made them, each a memory of the pain I was in. I'm almost a month clean, but seeing all these scars right now, I really need to cut again, or burn myself or something. I need it. I've been worrying so much lately that  need the escape.

        Climbing out of the shower, I went to my suitcase where I had hidden my blades. When we were packing I found them and decided to bring them just in case. Panic is starting to go through me because I can't find them. I finally feel the flap that I hid them in. I reach in and move my hand around until I feel the small pieces of metal. I pull them out and walk blindly back to the bathroom, due to the pitch black hotel room.

        I climb back into the shower, and as I look at the things that have become my best friends, I notice dried blood left on the blade of one. I rinse it off in the shower and a small amount of red water goes down the drain. I start cutting my leg, quickly slicing at my skin. I watch as the perfect little red beads appear on my pale thigh. I like to make cuts that aren't very deep, they sting more in the shower, and I'm not a big fan of massive blood loss. I cut a little too deep once and nicked a vein and it bled so much that I almost drove myself to the ER; but I didn't want mum to have to pay the hospital bills. I continue cutting until there is about six cuts.

        I rinse them in the hot shower water; the stinging turns to burning, and I watch my blood mix with the water and go down the drain. I feel my eyes start to sting with tears that are threatening to surface. I don't stop them I just let them flow and my body starts to rack with sobs. This happens every time I cut. Right after I've done it, I feel so worthless and stupid, and I think about how much I hate myself. I still cut though, for the temporary pain that distracts me for a few minutes from the cruel world outside.

        I get out of the shower and go back to my suit case; I packed some bandages in my travel case just in case I needed them. I hide my blades in the flap in the bottom of my suit case again. I quickly bandage my cuts so they won't break open when my pants rub up against them. I pull on my sweats and a "The Ramones" shirt, and zip up my hoodie. I make sure to grab my snap-back before doing a final sweep of the room to make sure I hav'nt left anything behind.

        I grab my bag and leave the room. These hallways seem endless and the lift is at the end of the hall. I finally get to it and push the down arrow button. The doors open right away, so no one must need it. I push the floor button and wait as soft elevator music flosts through the speakers. As the doors open I have a clear view of the lobby and the board looking manager at the front desk. There is no one in line so I timidly walk up and check out; I make sure to give back both key cards, sometimes I forget one and I feel bad.

        The drive to the airport is short; and the scenery is boring, exit signs and hotel after hotel is all I see.  My parents are coming later to get my car so I just park in overnight parking and send a quick  text to my mum, telling her the parking spot number. I get out and walk to the boot to retrieve my bags. I parked pretty far away from the entrance so I have a nice long walk to the doors.

        I start to sing  "Look After You"  by The Fray. It has been on repeat a lot lately. I finally reach he door, and I have to say, I'm a bit winded. I need to start working out, but that isn't happening. I head straight to check in so I can check in my bags. After my bags are checked in and headed down the conveyor belt to god knows where, and I make my way with my back pack to security.

        I hate TSA, they always have to use the hand scanner thingy because of my braces. To go along with that they have to pat me down because they cant see the x-ray. I hate being touched period, so add surly people in uniforms whom I didn't know and its absolute hatred.After TSA takes their sweet time scanning me and patting me down, I put my shoes back on and get my back pack from the lady who searched it.

        I think that their "protecting us" is bull shit and their just nosy. I happily walk away from security and stop myself from flipping off the guy that was patting me down and head for my gate. According to my ticket I need to be at gate D6. So I check the directory and head in the direction of D6, and I pass a McDonald's on the way.

        I have been waiting to board for an hour now, and I'm hungry. The McDonald's I passed on the way here is calling my name, but I don't need to eat right now. I'm already fat enough, I don't need greasy fast food to make it worse. After another thirty minutes my stomach is starting to make whale noises, and I feel like the people around me can hear it. I pull a water bottle out of my back pack and sip it until I don't feel quite as hungry.

        I haven't eaten in almost two days and its starting to get uncomfortable, I haven't been drinking as much water as I should to make up for the food. The more I think about food the hungrier I get, and I almost get up to get some food. Thankfully the flight attendant calls for boarding and I tell myself there is no time for food. That was close, I almost caved, I'm a weak fuck.

        I collect my bags and walk towards the boarding, being polite I wait until most people were in line before I get in line. The line is pretty long so this is going to take a while. I shuffle along with the mass of people, keeping my head down until it's my turn to board the plane.

        I don't realize I'm at the front of the line until the lady asks for my ticket. I quickly hand it to her, and move along so I can get to my seat as possible. I finally get to my seat B8. Luckily its a seat on the aisle so I wont have to put my arse in people's faces if I need to pee.

        I put my bag in the over head bin and sit down. I buckle my seat belt and then realize its completely tangled. I unbuckle and start to de-tangle it, cursing to myself and I pull at it. Once it is finally untangled I sit down again and buckle the seat belt and pull it tight. I take my headphones out of my pocket and plug them into my phone, I put the headphones in and shuffle my "The Fray" playlist that consists of all their albums. I lean back and close my eyes hoping sleep comes soon. I drift off right all the captain announced we were next in line for take off, and "How To Save A Life" comes on.