I'm Not Giving Up On You

CH: 4 His Past

{Jack's POV} (First person for once, this will not happen often.)

I didn't know what came over me, I just lost my cool. Mark was being all Mark and invited himself over to Ireland without my permission. Then thought it was OK to just stay at my house? For some reason in that moment, all the neglect, all the lonliness, all the disaprroving looks, all the hate and mean comments, all the awful feelings I had been feeling suddenly turned into anger. I wasn't sure where it had come from but it sure was there. I was glad Mark left. Let him sleep on the streets tonight. Let him give up and head back to LA. Let the only light I had seen in quite some time leave. Plunge me back into the darkness of my life. But as he left, the door shutting lightly behind him, I began to wander if what I got was really what I wanted. Did I want to be alone? No. That was a simple question. All my life I have been afraid of being alone, and my YouTube community was so kind to each other they were like family, and it made the new sence of lonliness dampen more and more. That is was kind. They had recently turned against me. I had said that due to personal things that I didn't care to go into I wouldn't be answering YouTube, Twitter, or Tumblr comments for a while nor would I be making anymore reading your comments videos. Sure I had felt overly guilty, and apologized explicitly. I just didn't have the happiness nor the time to do such things. But there had been major backlash. People saying they hated me for giving up on them like this, some said the biggest reason they watched me was because I was so close with my fans. But there had been a few that had really gotten to me, such as one that read, "Jack how could u? Just cuz u got personal probs doesn't mean we should suffer for it! Clean up ur act and stop being so danm selfish! We all have probs 2, but u should know that when u become famous ur feelings don't matter anymore! Get in the game u selfish bitch!" The basic pricipal of that Tweet had been haunting my nightmars for weeks. I couldn't get the thought of my meaningless feelings out of my head. From every way I was being pulled, but I was also trying to keep myself together. I was being pulled by my family, by my girlfriend, by my fans, by my friends...

I couldn't take it anymore, and my recent diagnosis of anxiety didn't help either. After Mark just stood there, shocked, the darkness I had been struggling to keep back began to close in around me. Fear raced up my spine, down my legs and arms, to the tips of my toes the the ends of my fingertips. I had dropped to the ground and cried. When I had panic attacks I cried like a giant baby. They physically hurt too. My inability to breathe due to my constant sobs and overwhelming emotions. My lungs burned as I tried to breathe, and everytime I took a sharp intake of breathe, fear of suffocation evident, I had a short thought of giving up, of giving in to the pain and letting it lull me into a endless, dreamless, sleep most called death. But then my body kicked in and told my stupid brain that it wasn't allowed to give up and I managed to get out, though there was a ringing in my ears as it ended. I didn't dare move, not trusting myself to have the muscle to. So I lied there on the floor, unmoving, where Mark had left me to die. Bitterness seeped into my heart. He didn't care, he never had. No one has ever cared.

[Flashback to 3 week prior.]

"Ma! Pa!" Jack shouted as he entered his parent's home. They all smiled as he came in the front door. Yup all, two of his brothers and one of his sisters were sitting at the small table in the kitchen, along with his ma and pa of course. "Jack!" His ma said happily as she rushed to hug him, for she hadn't been able to in months. "Hey Sean." His eldest brother said bitterly as he looked at his younger brother. "Jack frowned a bit as he saw the only sister in the room. It was his eldest sister Vivian. She hadn't much ever liked him, and the feeling was mutual. "Where's Ann?" Jack asked of the youngest sister, the closest sibling to his age. His ma frowned. "Ann couldn't make it, job in another country." Though his ma had looked sad at first she had visibly brightened thinking if her youngest daughter. Ann was a famous house designer that was often needed in other European countries. He nodded slowly and turned to his pa. "How's ta birthday goin, Pa!?" Jack shouted in excitement, his pa, a beer in hand, smiled a small, rare, smile at his youngest, "Son, I'd like it if ya'd come wit me to ta pub, we've got ta talk." He said, his accent quite thick with alcohol. Jack slowly nodded, he often drank beer, though not enough to get him drunk, but any other time he had gone to a pub with his pa he had been encouraged to drink hardcore liquor, and as much as possible. He soon had his pa's thick arm around his shoulders and they walked the long road to the pub, though his pa didn't wait to start the talk at the pub,
He began as soon as they got off the property and began the trudge to town, neither being qualified to drive, Jack's lack of a license, and his pa's amount if liquor in his system.