Guide to Being Gay in High School {Unfinished}

Freshman Year: #1 Dress to Impress

So you're a freshman, huh? I bet you're feeling tingly feels inside of yourself. Butterflies are swarming around searching for oxygen in that tiny body of yours. Gotta let them out out one day. You just woke up and I understand if you're tired, but that does NOT mean you can't try to look your best. Now get your tiny rear-end up (can't say @$$ in front of children) and get to the bathroom and make yourself look BOMB.  

I don't know what most guys do first in the morning, but I usually take a leak before doing anything else. Sometimes it's a struggle and if you're a guy, you'll understand what I'm saying. So you should take my advice and do as I say. Are you done? Well, let's move on to brushing our teeth. Having bright white shiny teeth on the first day of high school will win you some points on gaining friends. I like to use Crest 3D White because it is really the only toothbrush sauce that works 94% effectively, but if that's not the one you're using at the moment then I feel sorry for you already. 

We shall transition to something else now. If you're one of those sleepy guys who like to take a boiling hot shower in the morning to wake yourself up then be my guest, but if you can easily be fully awake by just splashing cold liquids on your face then that you shall do. In other words, wash your ratchet face with cold water and DISPOSE OF THOSE EYE BOOGERS IN THE CORNERS OF YOUR EYE. UNATTRACTIVE. 

After doing so, whether you're in the nude or not, you should be because you gotta get dressed. *Sings* "It's gettin' hot in hurr, so take off all your clurrthes." No, seriously, do it. I promise I won't watch. I mean I did go to juvie for being accused of being a peeping Tom but you're not fully developed yet so I'll let this one time pass. Now this is one of the most crucial parts in looking nice for your first day of high school. The better you look, the more people will be interested in talking to you and being your friend and receiving a good impression of you. ALWAYS look good no matter what day of the school year it is. People love a guy who looks good and can dress himself. How about we try on a decent shirt, like a Polo for instance? Do you have a green or blue Polo? Or even a black one? If you don't have either one, then you're gay. It all mainly depends on the type of girls/guys you hang out with but most people are attracted to guys who wear nice V-neck t-shirts that are slightly tight on their body and have their abdominals bulging, but not too bulgy--don't wanna see your hard nipples smiling at them. Or even your muscles popping out like they're punching them in the face repeatedly like Chris Brown or Sharkiesha. I'm guessing since you're a freshman that you aren't too fond of having abs or muscles at the moment and that's perfectly acceptable, but, honey, once you enter high school Sophomore & Junior year, you gotta start making girls and even guys wet their panties. By the time you're a Senior, you gotta be RIPPED AS %&!$ to the point where you can't breathe in your own skin.

So I have helped you select your shirt and you've decided to go with the the real homosexual 'Lady Gaga Born This Way' t-shirt and that is fine because I am a huge fan and I would have done the same thing. Let's choose out some bottoms. I'm a bottom by the way. You'll figure out what you are when you grow older, maybe 10th or 11th grade unless you're a little slut and you already know at this age. Horray for you, but if you don't know then I'll help you through it. Girls love guys who wear either dark-wash fitted jeans or straight-up 'do you see his dick through those' sweatpants. As for gay guys, they like other guys, gay or straight, to wear really anything because gay guys don't give a damn and think that the guy they like looks hot in anything they put on. For me, I don't pay attention to his pants, maybe his bulge but mostly his face and eyes. 

Before we place on the bottoms, we almost forgot the undergarment. I don't know how they do it, but some straight guys like to go commando and wander the school with their schlong flapping around like it's nothing. I hope they realize that some of us can hear that thing making music down there, just sayin'. If you have anything American Eagle, Calvin Klein, Diesel, or even 2xist or my personal fave, Equipo, then you should definitely go with either of those. NEVER WEAR HANES OR FRUIT OF THE LOOM because those are too old fashioned and guys won't like it if you aren't wearing anything trendy. As for style of underwear, I would perferrably go with a pair of short boxer-briefs for support or even normal briefs, but you might not want to do that. I NEVER wear boxers because I do not enjoy unicorns pegging people with their ... corns...? Oh, no, horns. I just looked it up. Anywho, boxer-briefs is the way to go. It keeps your 'best friend' close to you but also allows him to have some room to move about while he's unpacking his packages. (Made sense in my head at first) 

You started without me?! You probably look gross with that hair style you thought was good enough for your first day of high school, but sweetheart, it's not doing the trick. You look like a shrub. And not a newly trimmed shrub, but a disgusting, bug-infested, rotten, unshaven, low-to-the-ground, shit-stain brown shrub. Dear, I am so terribly sorry, but you have got to get a new do. Here let me help you. I like to use TreSemme Extra Firm Control 4 Hairspray because it holds my hair in the position I'd like for it to be in and it doesn't make my hair solid rock hard. 

OH MY GOD BECKY. 

You look amazing! I have always had dreams of becoming a hairstylist. 

Time for some finishing touches, ALWAYS apply deodorant underneath the pits of your arms every morning because I guarantee you, if you forget even just for a day, you're gonna be crying when you come home because no one wanted to sit with you during lunch cuz you stank. I repeat, ALWAYS apply deodorant. I love the scent of Axe Dark Temptation because it gives out that chocolately essence that makes girls and guys want to chew a piece of your flesh off. Don't forget to spritz some cologne on your chest. Some guys like to spray just a tad on their wrists, rub them together then transfer it to their neck. 

I wear earrings not because I'm gay but because I look better with them because I'm fake as hell but don't be like me or you'll regret it. I also wear contacts and fake glasses and people ask me why the hell I'm wearing glasses when I have contacts in and my answer is because I look ugly with my real glasses and that wearing fake glasses makes me slightly less uglier and I'm just waiting for my damn mother to drive me to the eye doctor to get new prescription glasses so I can change my frame to a cute frame and be able to wear that instead of contacts and fake glasses all at the same time. 

Time for the shoes then you're set for your first day of high school! I'm so proud of my boy! If you have a pair of Vans wear those, only if they match your outfit of course. And they do! Yay! That made my life a lot more easier. I mean if you prefer wearing Toms, you may, but that will set of a lot of people's gaydars. 

All in all, really don't take any of my advice and do whatever the hell you want on your first day of high school. I think on my first day of high school I fucking wore a Lady Gaga Born This Way t-shirt, red jeans and a black leather sleeved jacket. I mean only the sleeves were leather and the rest of it was just insanity. That was a mistake and people got the wrong impression of me immediately. If you don't want people to know you're gay, I'll discuss about that with you soon. Goodnight & good luck!