The Inpatient Dairies

Day 2

I was woken up at 6:30am.
When I woke up I couldn't remember how I got here and where the hell I was. I shuffled out of my room sale the hall to one of the 3 day rooms. Next thing I know I have people coming up to me. "Hey I'm xXxX! Whatcha coming off of? What's your poison?" Baffled and brain fuzzed everything started to hit me I was in a psyc ward or I thought I was? The only reply I could muster was " I just wanted to kill my self." There reply is what got me. "Then what are you doing detox?". Detox? What? Mine is a lack of chemicals.?.
I went to the nurse in a daze and told her I was in the wrong place. " there's no room I'm general psyc your here until a bed opens up later today." I still felt off but I did my best to get to know my temporary cell mates.
I saw the doctor and my day got better and better....not. Went though the Long list of failed medications...62.62 different pills of failure. I had two options left medication wise. We agreed on a new antipsychotic and two previous anxiety meds. I spent the day cycling between dissasosation, ok,depressed,suicidal, anxious,angery. Reshuffle and repeat.
I played nice went to detox group therapy even though I wasn't detoxing. I talked and added my input. I may not be addicted to drugs but I believe self harm is my addiction and I have seen the face of drug addiction many times, but at midday it started to get to me. I came for help. This was not help. It was watching t.v and coloring with dull crayons. It started to make me worse. Suicide was screaming more and my auditory hallucinations started changing (never a good sign). Instead of the normal jibber jabber that was fuzzy nonsense it was telling me what I needed to do and how to do it. (I'm pretty sure that's what landed me there).
So I sat till 4pm until about 4pm in detox. I made a few friends cohorts in misery as they said. At 4pm I packed my brown paper bag of allowed items and went to genral psyc a rapid cycling mess. When dinner came the game of numbers that always pluge me began, but I wasn't hungry. I made a show of pretending to eat because ask me know qustions and I'll tell you no lies. Night came we where called one by one for meds. I did my best to smile I hate bringing others down because of my crap mood, but 2 days with little to no sleep I'm sure they saw right though it. The nurse gave me a look of pity. "I'm sorry you have no med orders but I wanted to check in with you and see how you are?"
I was honest and frustrated I saw the doctor at 8am that day. I told the nurse about my cycling and out of anger lashed out and told them if they couldn't help me discharge me so I could get real help. The nurse agreed and I think she did because I was half a minute from throwing somthing, but she smiled called the on call doctor and was able to at least get me Somthing for my anxiety. One piece of the track of the roller coaster. I was still slightly angry that nothing had really been done and groups where out due to a weekend I love group therapy. I managed to sleep 3 hours after lights out.