The Hardest Part Of This is Leaving You (ferard)

I didn't know how I could tell him this. I feel heartache in my chest; guilt.

After years of us being together it dawned to me a few months ago, Gerard, the man who I love more than anything and anyone who I have ever loved, is just dependent on me and that's why we're together. There was no more love left or any romanic nights that we encountered. We were just living, yes we're happy but seeing how dependent Gerard is on me to make all his choices for him. It's like he's spineless and has no say to himself. It hurts me. I don't like doing this. After countless drinks at the bar and drowning in my guilt I knew I had to make a choice that will change both myself and Gerard for the rest of our lives.

Gerard and I have been together for about 4 years, we've broken up a few times but we haven't been apart more than a week, one of us would cave in and run back to each other like lost puppies. We both needed each other, I soon learned though that Gerard needed me in a way that was different than the way I needed him.

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When Gerard and I met 5 years ago I saved his life. He was slowly killing himself with drugs. "Roxys." His poison. At first when I met him I clearly didn't know he was hooked on pain killers. No one says that when you first meet them. It's not like he was going to go up to me and say, "hey I'm Gerard and I'm addicted to pain killers." We met through work. We were both working in an office. Both of us straight out of college. I've been working there for a year before Gerard came walking in, asking for a job.

When he first started working here people talked about him, it's nothing new. We always do that to new people, we were such judgmental assholes, usually never giving new people a chance. Which is probably what causes them to quit after 2 weeks.

But Gerard stuck it out. He didn't bother anyone. He just worked and went home. He didn't really talk to anyone. I guess because no one talked to him so what's the point of talking, right?

He was really good at his job. He got everything done on time and he never complained about the long hours we worked.

People were starting to finally talk to Gerard after realizing calling him the weird goth kid wasn't effecting him in the least bit that he has what it takes to survive this crazy work environment. He was getting invited to go to the bar after work and he would gladly come along. At the bar is where I realized how much we both have in common.

"I love art, dude! I just wish I could draw and such, but I totally appreciate it." I yelled over the music one night while drinking my beer talking to Gerard.

"You should see my work," he said with a huge smile drinking his jamo on the rocks. I felt my heart flutter by the way he said it. Naturally I ignored the flutter and sipped my beer.

After a while, Gerard was one of us and he became a apart of our weird family. That's when we all learned, though, that he had a hidden problem and that was pills. Though about 70% of the work staff did too. The hours are long and you don't get a break and you have to beat deadlines and get make sure everything is perfect to be sent out the next day. Not gonna lie I even stepped up to the pain killer plate before. Thankfully I never got addicted to it.

No one got worried or upset when they found out Gerard was too on board with the pain killer train. It just meant that if the other coworkers ran out they can ask Gerard where he got his from. It was perfect. So perfect.

Somewhere along the road Gerard and I became best friends. It's funny how you meet your best friend through your job, it was cool actually. I was the first person Gerard told that he was gay, he didn't want anyone else to know because at his last job when they found out they treated him differently. I told him that I didn't care that he was gay and everyone else won't either. We're pretty cool about that kind of stuff. He's not the first gay man to work here before. I told him that he had nothing to worry about because no one cares if he likes dick or pussy. It meant nothing to us and he was still the same awesome Gerard we all leaned to love. He quickly gave me a hug and thanked me for being so cool about it.