Ruisrock 2008

By now it's just words for me, just another song. I repeat the lyrics again, it means nothing. When asked about the song I respond it's about destroying something beautiful, only that and nothing more. I utter the lyrics, I repeat the empty words.

There's no heaven, there's no blood on our hands anymore, there never was, it was always wine, that's all there ever was. One time it even wasn't a crime, but it sounded better that way anyway, forbidden fruit. It could have been quite easy really, they would have accepted us, many would have cheered for us, they already do anyway, you know. Of course, you do, it was you who told me, you who found it amusing, you even showed me the sites on the corners of the interwebs you seemed to know too well. The portmanteau of our names, it rolled off the tongue too well.

Our last drunken night together, it felt like all these times before. At first, it's always just you sitting next to me, you make a friendly but confident gesture to anyone who happens to be in the way and then you claim the spot, it's always yours and they know it. You hand me another beer and with a pat on the back encourage me to drink up, I do. Half way through the fifth beer I start getting more and more flirty... If it was years ago I would have dragged you to a sauna or something by then already. By the tenth beer, your distinctive accent gets stronger, your smile bigger and bigger and nothing will stop you from hugging and tackling me now, not even the jokes of a random stranger in a room or photographer snapping away like a maniac. I don't care about them either, I skull another beer and slide my arm along your pants, up your thigh and thank god we have some alcohol in our system. You joke about something and I laugh and fall against you, my face brushing up against your cheek for a moment. You turn your face and I plant a quick kiss on your lips, but only this time I freeze, I sadness washes over my tired unshaven face. It was all the same until I remembered and I couldn't forget it anymore. No amount of Adderall or beer couldn't get it out of my head, antics of yours would not cheer me up this time, no jokingly asked question would yield an answer. But what should I say? "You married someone else!!!" I would like to yell, but that would suggest there ever was an option of you marrying me. It really doesn't sound so absurd anymore, people do that, people fight for love, they show their love. They tear down the veils, rip out the wings, to expose the truth...

My eyes refocus on the scene in front of me now, the crowd, the lights. And there you are now, right next to me with your camera in my face, I could almost feel you reading my thoughts, have I summoned you in some way? I knew you were here, of course. I just thought you might have the decency to stay away from me. To greet me backstage, exchange pleasantries and then go your own way.

I used to serenade you in my mind, look at you on the balcony, imagine you understand what I'm saying. But it's only words now, easy words, simple tune. Now I'm alone in love, comfortable. But our love is a numb pain by now, like a sore muscle, like sore muscles all over and now I'm getting kicked on one of them, I got to fight back. Have to turn it all into a joke, I have turned more into you than I thought. The kick is playful, still, you know well enough to back off, you keep the distance, I think I can see embarrassment and doubt in your eyes. I didn't mean it like that, I ... I can't sing this song while you're right here.

You step away, give me my space and only then I can sing the words. Before I know it you're back, uncomfortable but ...flirty? I finish the song, you grab my ass like it's still 2003. What!? Isn't she enough? Of course, she isn't, that's what you told me all those drunken nights. No one is enough, that's what I tried to tell you too, but I guess the message never got through, maybe I should have been more clear... and less distant, less "engaged" to someone else. But you were the one who went through with it! For all the wrong reasons! But you are Bam, you do what you want. You wanted a new show - you got it, go ahead, kiss and tell. But no, you want more from me, what do you need? "Are you tired of using viagra?" I ask, as a joke, as a question, as a retaliation. You keep a friendly face, act like it's all a joke so do I. Few more jokes about you jacking off while you leave the stage, not the nicest move as you don't understand any of it... and you are gone. I'm alone again with my empty words.