Suicide - Dedicated to itsjustashley

Suicide

You're sitting at your desk. You know it's time to go. You've told yourself that over a million times. But this time you know for sure is real. You're tired. You're just so very tired. Your parents pissed you off, like school wasnt bad enough today. You go to get the rope, the knife, or whatever you choose to use because you are just that desperate to leave.

You're ready. You think of it as a game. The first one dead is the first one to win. No one is home, It's the perfect time. You're ready. If you don't do it now, you are just going to look down at yourself even more for forever. You're going to hate yourself even more. No one will know, until later on.

Instead of getting paper and a pen, you get a video camera, along with a chair. You're standing on the chair. You decided to go with the rope. You're gone, instantly. And there will be no noise. Once the end of the rope is tied to the top of the fan, the other already around your neck. You're in tears and you know it is for real this time, you can feel it.
You turn on the camera and just stare at the red light blinking upon your eyes. You start to mummble out a few words.

Mom, dad, I'm so sorry. I don't know why I'm sorry, but I'm sorry. I just can't do this anymore. I don't know who I am anymore. I've lost myself and I have seemed not to be able to find my way back. Please dont blame yourselves, please. I love you both. Please tell my sibling the same. Stay strong and stay safe. I'll see you all soon.

You say sorry to your best friend cause you know you wont be there for him anymore. Especially when he needs you more than ever. You say sorry to everyone you can think of. Even yourself. You're sorry for not being strong anymore. You're sorry for breaking down. You're sorry for putting them through so much pain in their life. You stare, once again at that red light blinking upon your eyes.

One foot is off the chair now as you start to mouth the word goodbye. You have the remote control to the camera in your right hand, pointer finger already on the 'off' button. You click that button, and as soon as you see that light go off, you go off. Both feet are now off the chair, that chair is on the floor. The room is filled with silence.

You're dead. You're gone. There is no going back. Everything is over. You dont have to live in pain anymore, but everyone else will. What will your parents think? What about your little brother, or your little sister; what are they going to do. You're gone. You're dead. There is no going back. You ended your life because the person you liked, only thought of you as a friend? You ended your life because that one teacher was harder on you, than anyone else in the class, because she knew you were the only one going somewhere in life?

Your parents are home now. They are calling your name, telling you they are home like they normally do. But something is different. You don't answer. They don't hear your voice. They get worried, you always answer. They come upstairs, thinking you are sleeping or showering. Your mom opens your bedroom door and screams at the top of her lungs. She instantly passes out. Your little sister hears her and comes up after her. She screams, DADDY HELP! She runs over to you; hitting your leg. WAKE UP, WAKE UP, PLEASE STOP- WAKE UP! But you don't answer. You're not waking up. You're gone. You're dead. There is no waking up; There is no going back.

Your dad comes running up the stairs but all he could do was stare. He watches his baby girl swing back and forth on a rope. He sees the video camera and he sees the chair. But he doesn't move; He is as stiff as a board. He cries. Your dad NEVER cries. He picks up the phone and calls 911. He can barely get the words 'My daughter commited suicide' out of his mouth. He is in tears. Your little sister stares at your dad. He hangs up, and she practically jumps right into your dads arms, crying harder than ever. She is too young to understand completely, but she knows you are gone. She knows you are dead and she knows that you are never coming back.

Everything is over. The cops finally arrive. They take your mom out of your room. They push your dad and sister out of your room; and now they are sitting in the living room. They take your body down from that rope and lay you on the strecher. They cover your body and out you go. Just like that. In the blink of an eye everything happened- and everything was over. You're gone. You're dead. There is no going back. Nothing is the same.

Two weeks have passed and your mom still stares out of the window more than half of the day. Sometimes even the whole day. Your little sister still hasn't returned to school. Your dad was forced to go to work so he can pay for all the bills for your funeral. Your wake.

Eventually, they found the strength to go back into your room. Your door hasn't been open for two months. The rope is still laying on the floor, the same place the cops put it, and the video camera is still on that table. They don't even dare to watch that video. It will never be seen. They slowly pick up the rope and throw it in the garbage. Chills run up their spine; your mom basically in tears. They brush off your bed, making it neat. Like they used to do every morning after you went to school.

Your desk was empty. It didnt have those little sticky notes you used to leave before you ran to the bus that said Have a good day mom, remember to smile. or Have fun at work dad :) . You pretended to be so happy you even tricked yourself. Your bed was made and your room was clean. They shut the door, and it remained shut.

Your school is still in distress. You thought no one cared, and you thought no one noticed you. You remember that girl who said no to being your lab partner? Yeah, she cuts every single night now because she thinks it's her fault that you died. You remember that boy that accidentally tripped you by accident, looked at you and just didn't say sorry? Yeah, he is in suicidal therapy five days a week in the hospital because he believed a smile could have saved your life... and he didn't give you that. You remember that teacher that was hard on you that one day? She quit her job because she felt she wasn't suited to teach anymore.

You're gone. You're dead. There is no going back. Four years have passed now. Your little sister is now fifteen years old. She started a club; it's in her school, dedicated to you. 'Secrets' is what she calls it. The club is formed for kids to speak their hearts, without anyone judging them. They can say anything they wanted to, and talk about anything they needed to. If they were suicidal, they always had someone to talk to. That was your problem. You didn't want to talk to anyone. You had everything bottled up inside of you. You acted like as if you were the happiest kid on the planet. And you acted as if you had the perfect life.

You played that happy character so well, That even you started to believe it. You would be so happy, all day. But as soon as you laid in bed at night, the thoughts came back. A little fight between you and your parents could have set you off. But with everything inside of you bottled up for years, you just hit your limits.

You're gone. You're dead. There is no going back. The room will never be occupied. Your mom still cries every single night. Your dad isn't as strong as he used to be. Your little sister will never grow up with you by her side, moving her in the right direction. She needed you. Your best friend is still torn up. He need you. Your parents dont know what to do anymore. They needed you. Your school now has a club dedicated to you, so teens will not make the same mistake as you did.

Your life is precious. And you took it away at the blink of an eye. All you needed was a smile. It was all you needed to show you that everything will be okay. But since you are gone, it seemed like just no one cared then. People always have cared. And people always will care. You were just way too upset to see that back then. You were just too caught up in the fact that you thought no one cared. When the truth was, more people cared about you than you ever thought they would.

And you know what sucks? It sucks that you see that now that you are gone. And you didn't see that when you were still here. Your town will never be the same.

A girl is gone. A special girl. A girl who thought they never cared. Everyone cared. I promise you. They care. They always have cared, and they always will care. They loved you. And no matter what, They will still always love you.