the scariest part?
i didn't know what to fear the most. fear of what my mum had in her mind? or fear of the fact that i'm not okay?
i've been a hard child growing up. i seemed to disobey my mum plenty of times, and i also used to smoke with some of my friends. i was in year six, and had smoked for two months before my mum found out. she was completely devestated. she had always thought of me as innocent and once she found out, she began to get paranoid.
she was beyond nosey. she used to always check my room for drugs or condoms or those shitty things she thought i did since she found out i had a twitter, and had tweeted several sexual things. she didn't believe me when i told her i never was near intimate with a girl, hell i was some geeky chav back in the days. my friends were these douchebags and girls seemed to be too busy chasing cheekily annoying guys to even acknowledge me.
so yes, i did stress my mum quite a lot. she always compared me to my brother and how he was constantly better, and made her life so much easier. at the time, i didn't even care. i brushed it off without a single thought.
so when i got cancer? i was beyond scared. she had grown me up with insults and violence and i was so scared of what she was going to think. i had these thoughts that she was just going to leave me, because i was never use for her anyway. so no, at the time, i was afraid of my mum more than i was afraid of dying.
how manly.
will continue this later.
