In the Moment

The short story of an anxiety ridden horseback rider in the moment of making a once hopeless dream come true.

They say that when you go to the Olympics, the energy of having the whole world watching you pumps your body full of so much adrenaline that you hardly have time to be nervous.

Those liars!

I was just a few moments away from my go of the Olympic Dressage Freestyle, a beautiful sport where horse and rider danced together in perfect harmony. Trust me, look it up, it's something to marvel at.

Sometimes I wonder how I had managed to get here. All my life I had no intention of making it this far, no intention of even making this sport a career. Not only had my parents not been wealthy enough to afford the big costs this sport demanded, but I didn't even have my own horse and only trained once a week. To me, I did this because I loved the animal. There was something magical when you knew you had a connection with them, you felt like one. Over the years, slowly but surely I worked my way up the levels, barely knowing what was happening myself. As each competition passed, each show season gone in a blur of travelling and ribbons, I never realized how greatly my skills were improving, how closer I was to the horse that wasn't mine by ownership, but mine by heart and how in a few months time I would be here, at the highest form of competition, about to take a chance at winning a gold, silver or bronze for my country.

My trainer and parents were there, giving me words of encouragement, but their eyes were trained on the rider currently out there, in front of thousands of people, moving as one with her gorgeous white horse.

I was fidgeting. It wasn't an unfamiliar sensation that threatened to move up from my stomach and throw itself out of my body and onto the ground. I had suffered from anxiety for as long as I could remember. Before I became accustomed to the strangling feeling that appeared whenever I left the house, I thought it was going to ruin my life, but they say the best way to help with anxiety is to face the situations that make you anxious. So that's what I did and look where I am now.

The horse and rider finished their final movement and saluted the judges. Only when the cheers erupted from the crowds did I realize how nervous I really was. It was coming back, the strangling pressure, the endless nausea that seemed to make me feel like I was going to puke any second and most of all, the stricken panic that swept in and took the air from my lungs like greedy seagull going after a French fry.

No! This wasn't going to happen again! I wasn't going to back out. I had done that my whole life, missing so many opportunities, so many chances. I had lost friends, once good friends, to this horrible mental curse. It had destroyed my life thus far, it was not going to ruin this once in a lifetime chance.

I straightened from what I liked to call my anxiety posture. Hunched over with a hand on my stomach, I moved to a more appropriate posture for this sport. My whole body seemed to fight against me, my brain sending out what felt like a warning, that if I went through with this, it was going to be a battle the whole way, but it had been like that my whole life.

No more!

As I stared down at the beautiful creature beneath my saddle I realized that not only could my curse affect me, but it also affect him. He tensed beneath me. The beautiful stallion was as black as coal and had the fiery attitude of a toddler when they were not blessed with the toy they wanted off that top shelf in the store. He was feisty, but he was also perfect in every aspect, at least to me he was. Elastic movement and ground covering paces. He reminded me of a soldier. He stuck through to the end, never backing down. That's how you knew they trusted you, because they'll fight for you when the chips are down, even when it seems like you've given up.

The announcer called my name and for a moment, I thought about turning around and galloping him down the other way, but ignoring my anxiety filled brain's idea's felt almost like second nature to me now and I gentle pressed the stallion forward. Light shone in through the huge outdoor arena, a slight breeze making the suns rays not as harsh. The crowd was silent, respectful not to scare to large animal. All in all, it was beautiful day to win a gold.

They may say that overconfidence will be your downfall, but for someone like me, overconfidence was exactly what I needed to battle the anxiety. We entered the large rectangle, through the short, elegant looking white fence that sealed us in. The judges wore their best poker-face so riders were unable to read their features to guess a score.

It was just the two of us now.

Then, in that one moment when we halted at center line, my nerves evaporated like water during a dry season. I was here, with this beautiful animal who has be so gracious to let me guide him this day. I was here, representing my country. I was here with people who loved me and even more people who loved me watching from back home.

I was here

In the moment

Maybe those lairs weren't actually lying after all...