dear, bo.

chapter zero and a half.

Chapter Zero and a Half.

Dear, Bo.

Sometimes, I want to thank you. I want to thank you for teaching me that I was capable of loving someone as immensely as I have come to love you. I want to thank you for teaching me that I was capable of loving in general. I want to thank you for getting me re-interested in life. When I met you, I saw nothing in anything. Especially myself. But, then you come into my life, by chance, and I realized that the world wasn't empty and neither was I. When you left, I have to admit, I became empty again. I stopped loving, and I stopped seeing love. But, you at least taught me that I was capable of feeling those things. Now I know how to. And, when the time comes, I'll be able to do and feel those things again. Thankyou.

Love, Stark.

When I was growing up, my grandmother told me that falling in love was comparable to the leaves on a tree. She would say that it isn't noticeable until it's obviously there and done with. You don't notice fall starting. You don't notice a single leaf falling. You don't notice fall until every leaf is golden and red while they lay on the ground. Falling in love is the same way. You don't automatically notice it. One leaf. Maybe it's the way you're sure that their eyes are the first thing you've ever seen. Two leaves. Maybe it's the way you want their eyes to be the only thing you ever see. Three leaves. Maybe, it's the way their two arms feel more at home than your own bed does. And then, eventually, all the leaves are there, just like all the reasons to fall in love with someone is. They just bombard you and it's impossible to move without noticing them.

She would tell me that falling out of love is the same way. You don't notice it at first, it comes slow. One leaf. Maybe it's the way their voice gets a little too loud when you share your opinion. Two leaves. Maybe it's the way they would come to your house every night smelling like someone else. Three leaves. Maybe it's the way you always see their eyes seeing someone else. And then, eventually, all the leaves are there. Just like all the reasons to fall out of love with someone is there.

I don't remember falling in love with Bo. The closest I can remember to falling in love with her, was waking up with her hair all over my face, and realizing how much it would hurt to have to imagine anyone else waking up with her hair all over their face. I wanted to be the only one to wake up with her flashing golden curls of hair all wrapped up in their face. It broke my heart to think of anyone else waking up to that and to the smell of her strawberry shampoo.

I don't remember falling out of love with Bo either. I just remember one day, I couldn't even be bothered to fall asleep with her. I couldn't be bothered to take time out of my day to even be that close to her. I met Bo at the start of my senior year. She had gone to my school her whole life, just as I had, I just had never taken time out of my school days to notice her. We hadn't had any classes together until we were both assigned to the same second period class, which was British literature. She would go on and on and on about how much she admired literature.

We would sit for hours on end, listening to plays she had written, writing plays together, and critiquing other plays. I take Advanced British Literature in college, only so I make sure to remind myself of Bo every day. As if, I don't already think about her enough. I didn't even start college until about six years after high school; four years after Bo left. I hated the idea of college, but Bo always wanted me to go.

My parents were hard on forcing my brother and me that we needed to work hard on education. Which was a big reason as to why I never noticed Bo. I never noticed anyone. Bo's parents were more focused on alternative ideas, and so was Bo. Bo and I were complete opposites, until she made me into everything that she wanted me to be. (this part is just for Bo, so look away) Fuck you for shaping me into what you wanted me to be, instead of loving me for what I was. (okay, you can look now.)

All throughout high school, I was a normal, studying human being. My brother, Stephen, was brilliant too, and he was also my best friend. Bo loved him, in a different way than she loved me, of course. It hurt him when she left too. This book isn't some sob sad story about my break-up, I promise. This book is going to be the final step in me moving on from Bo. This book isn't even being written so I can get super famous and rub it in her face, that's just a bonus. This book is to just tell my story. If I don't know one will. And I want Bo to know how I feel. I hope she reads this, and I hope when she does, she knows I'm moving on, and she knows I'm teaching other how to move on too.

(the rest of the book is basically for Bo, but you're free to read on. This book probably won't make any sense to anyone but Bo, and that's perfectly fine. Also, just a disclaimer, this isn't a self-help book on how to get over a heartbreak.)