Deluded.

One.

Ever since you were a child, you felt special. Never mind the bullies that pushed you around so that you felt you had to hide in corners, they didnt know you were special. Those kids were normal, they were going to grow up and have normal lives but you, oh you were meant for something great. So it didnt matter that you werent popular, or that the teachers were concerned about your quietness, they didnt know the great things laid out in your future.

You would sit in you rotating chair, watch the room whirl around you, homework forgotten to the side as you daydreamed about the many great things you were going to do. You would enjoy the 'wisedom' you felt, like you knew more than others, like you were in on a secret. There was a reason you didnt talk much, you were too deep inside your head, you were too far gone in that fantasy world of yours to have a normal conversation. Normal things didnt come to you easy, so you would feel rather blank while the rest conversed with ease. And so as other people learned from interactions and experience in the real world and thrived for things that actually existed, you lost yourself deeper and deeper into that fantasy world, deluding yourself that you were meant for great things and you didnt have to do anything, things will be handed to you in a silver platter.

And so as the lonliness grew around you, and you failed again and again at keeping up connections with the real world, you opted for the world you were more familiar with, the world where you could be anyone you wanted, do anything you wanted. You read books, imagining yourself as one of the characters, you watched movies that later on added to your daydreams, you lost yourself while listening to songs, and you pretended to be whoever you wanted to people who didnt know you. And as you got more and more accustomed to this toxic lifestyle of yours, you slowly lost hold on what was normal, you slowly stripped yourself of your own identity. You drifted away from actual friends and a social life, your family and turned away from things you didnt particularly enjoy; learning. Why should you? You were the wisest person you knew, that should be enough for survival.

And although that delusional take on life helped you pass a number of hurdles in your life while growing up, you were soon going to trip and trip again till you lost the motivation to get back up, beaten down by the realisation that you majorly fucked up.