A book I'll never write

1

I've opened this page to many times not to write anything. I just can't think of the right words to begin with. There's to many ways to start if I'm to be completely honest. I could start at the beginning but that would take to long. And if I started in the middle, it wouldn't make sense. Then again, nothing really makes sense anymore. I guess I can start with the night I laid in the dark and talked to no one, and was left alone to think. I left a song on repeat, closed my eyes, and my thoughts ran wild.
I thought of my past, my future, and my present. And that circled to old memories and recently made memories, which turned into sadness and a longing for those days back. And I couldn't help but think of my depression and how it's slowly creeping back in. And I thought what would happen if I was to relapse? What would happen if I did go back to the pills and not eating? Would I recover again or would I even want to recover? I couldn't help but think of the comfort and numbness I felt when I had them. Their intoxicating grip on me, controlling my every thought, every move. Was that something I wanted again? In the back of my mind I couldn't help but say yes, but at the same time I wanted to say no. I wanted to tell myself I was better than that, I didn't need pills just to feel alive again. I wanted to tell myself I'm perfect the way I am, I don't need a pill just to realize that. But a little voice that hasn't been there in a year, crept back in and told me different. It told me it would be okay, one pill wouldn't hurt. Sadly part of me believed it, and I swallowed another pill.
Numb. That's all I felt afterwards, completely numb. The song looped around for the thousandth time and I sung along once more. "I've been feeling Whitney, me and my homies sip Houston..." I let the words trail off and let the song engulf my thoughts. I smiled a little bit when he sung " drought comes around, feels like I have no one to depend on" but the smile quickly faded back to a somber look. I couldn't help but think of how relatable that verse is. I thought of my friends, then of my family. I have friends but I only think one would understand me... maybe not even that. My family is another story, they're not someone I can depend on. Actually I don't think my family ever was someone I could depend on, it's to full of abuse, secrets, and unspoken griefs. We never speak about the issues at hand, just tiptoe around it and hope that no one mentions what has/had happen. We never speak about the divorce of my mother and father, or the divorce of my step mother and dad, or the divorce of my mom and step dad. We don't speak about the divorce of my grandfather before my grandmother, or the divorce of my grandmother before my grandfather. We don't speak about the damage it did to our family or the troubles it caused. We don't speak of the abuse that my father did to my sister and I. We don't speak of his drug abuse, or how he killed someone by accident. We don't talk about how he molested me, or drug my sister by her hair down the hall. We don't talk about the fight between my mother and sister. Actually we barely speak at all. What little we do speak, it's about school, weather, or some kind of terrible small talk. It's rather sad actually, but I've grown used to it now. That's all I can do, just take it as it is. Just like they say, go with the flow and I think that's what I'm doing now. I'm just going with it.
The numbness spread through out my body to every nook and cranny it could possibly find. My mind went fuzzy and I lost control of all thought and sense of reality. I turned the song off and let the silence surround me. I don't know if I really felt better with nothing on my mind, but it was better than what I was thinking. It was better than the old memories and depressing thoughts that ran through my head. It was better than thinking about my once addiction and if it's resurfacing. It was better than thinking of self destruction and suicidal thoughts. It was better than any thought really. It was nice to have my demons quieted for once, even if it wasn't for long. Even if it was till I could get another pill, smoke again, or have something that'll distract me enough to not think for a minute. I knew it would all be there in the morning, but I didn't care in that moment. My demons were silent and I was okay.

-Excerpt from a book I'll never write
      (S.G '17)