Loving You Hurts(Short Story)

Forever and Always

Ever since that day I saw you, I can't look away from you even if I wanted to(never did). I can't describe this feeling when I saw you, when I think of you, how you make my stomach fill with fluttering butterflies, butterflies that I can't tame. I can't stop this feelings that you caused, I can't take it when other people closes around you, making you laugh and smile. I want to be the one causing you to smile and laugh, but I couldn't, I couldn't because I'm shaded, a person that's always alone, a person that thinks lowly of herself, who makes mistakes often.

I can't help thinking that I have no use in this world, that I'm just a dump, a garbage that can be thrown easily, I can't help thinking that my talents are of no use in this world, a talent that I possess, that everyone praises, but only you, only your words, your praises is what I wanted to hear.

I can't think of nothing else but you, you're the only one in my mind, clouding my mind and making my presence in the real world absent, always absent because of you, then everything changes, everything changes because I saw you with another girl, a girl that I know will never be me, a girl that I can't be. I wanted to change for you, to be like that girl that you hold dearly, a girl  that you love and care, I can't be like her and I hate it,

I loath myself for being the opposite of that girl. That night, I cried because it feels like my heart just broke, my heart that I think no one can repair, but him, only him. I hurt myself, I used a blade at my wrist, thinking that ending my life would be lesser than the two evils. Blood ran down my wrist like the tears I shed, the tears that are unstoppable.

Suicide, that word scares me in the past, but now, that word, that act actually is welcoming to hear and to do. The following months, I heard that you will marry her and will leave the country, I thought I got over you, then the feeling came back to me, my heart, fully broken, thinking that no one can fully heal it, not even you. God how much I wanted to kill myself, never have I felt like this, broken, physically and mentally tired.

Not once have I told you that I like you, that I enjoy your company, that you're the only person, helping me like a thin thread in surviving this harsh life, this harsh world. I'm in the dark, wanted to be rescued, but no one came, no one even batted an eyelid at me.

Then he came, he saw me, my clothes ,red with blood at an attempt to take my life and later on, my vision disappeared. I thought he was the one that saved me from my state, but when I finally opened my eyes I saw a figure sleeping at the side of the hospital bed, holding my hands.

I looked at him closely, then I figured out who saved me from the darkness, it was Alan. I'm not that close with him, but he always have that look in his face that I can't figure out. He slowly sat up after I shook him softly, he looked at me, concern in his face. I felt guilty at what I did. I lowered my gaze at the bed not wanting to see that look from anyone.

~Time Skip~

I never realized that who I'm looking for is right at my side all the time. I just never realized that someone loves me because I am too blinded by my love to the wrong person. I hurt him without knowing, I never acknowledge him that much, not giving a care to anyone, but him. Alan... Alan comforted me when I'm feeling down. He cared for me, he understands me and the thing that I love about him is that he is a caring, loving and a gentle person, but most of all I love him because of who he is.

Yes, I understand now what other people say, that Love is Blind. Love is blind the way I loved the wrong person and not seeing who really cares for me. Now, 7 years after that 'bad situation', well that situation made us together now. Looking up in the clear blue sky, remembering both bad and good memories in the past,but today is the day to forget those days because today, Alan and I are married. Vowed to be with each other, for better or for worse, forever and always. Today will be the first day that I'll be Mrs.Rickman. Smiling to myself, not hearing someone walking towards me and jumped slightly as someone hugged me from behind.

" Ready to go love?" Alan said softly at me.
"Yes" I answered him. " I love you Alan... no matter what, I'll love you always."
" I love you too. Even at the darkest of times, I'll love you forever and always." Alan told me kissing my lips.