Growing Numb

Vulnerable

Song- I loved her first

You can let go daddy

All I fell is this numbness all through my body.

I looked up and saw all these girls hugging their dad. Whispering how much they loved them and how they would whisper back not as much as I love you. Because a fathers love for his daughter compares to no love. That's why people say God gives the best love because he is your father he created you he shaped you and made you in his image. But why do we girls crave another kind of love? Why can't Gods love be enough? Why can't we just be great with Gods love? Because when you are born and you realize that you have someone else who can love you to the ends of the earth. Someone who can show you and tell you how, beautiful and amazing you are.

We want his love so much to the point that we are so vulnerable and we put all of our fears and insecurities out in the open hoping that our dads would take that and make them amazing. But in some cases they don't they use those against you to the point that you are so weak and you can't trust another man with those insecurities. That's how it was with me and my dad. I hated my body and he would use that against me. I loved him so much but he treated me like I was nothing and I don't know if it was my brain telling me that I was dumb and that my dad loved me. Or if it was him manipulating me into thinking that I was just making it up.

I felt so weak all the time. It was like I had no control most days, constantly me feeling as if all those things he told me were true. I'm ugly, I'm fat and lazy because I am all of those things. When I would open up to people they would say things like "no you're not you're beautiful." Sure that's why my own father said that right? Why else would he say those things? Just to feel better about himself, that's kinda low don't you think.   So how do people except that when they compliment me , how can they think oh she's going to believe what I tell her? How can they think that ? I won't be able to accept that or any other compliment for a while. Because every time I hear people telling me you're beautiful I hear my dad in the back of my head telling me no you're not , you're ugly. Or when people tell me oh my gosh you look like you're losing a whole bunch of weight I can't help but hear my dad telling me I should starve myself. But look who got his way, that's all I do , I watch what I eat and even if I am so hungry my stomach growls I ignore it and keep going through my day. Now I don't hunger at all. I still eat . But I don't hunger anymore, I see food and I don't even process to eat it all at once now.