Reach A Star

we take death to reach a star

Title: Reach A Star

Type: Poetic angst, drabble

Warnings: Implied suicide

Summary: We take death to reach a star

Dan knows he's ugly and broken and insignificant, and that beautiful woman deserves Phil's love so much more than he ever will.

Author: @laraemilysivan

Word Count: 800+

A/N: All my fics are about death, and if you want angst, you've come to the right blog

Dan just wanted to reach the stars.

Dan couldn't hear anything but his heart beating in his chest and his breath catching in his throat. The adrenaline rush was insane, his eyes were blazing and his hair was ruffled by the wind, he didn't care that these few moments were going to be his last on earth. In fact, he loved that this was the end. This was the most poetic end he could have possibly conjured for himself.

The drama of the moment was almost forgotten, replaced by the sheer exhilaration of standing so high up. The water was at least 80 metres down from where Dan was standing, he could just see the tiny waves blowing across the deep blue vastness. A beautiful cobalt abyss that would become Dan's final resting place.

He could easily have blamed his hyperventilating on the incredible view, the sunset fading into blackness with thousands of lights beginning to turn on in the city, as if the mortal people were trying to compete with the unfathomably beautiful stars.

We take death to reach a star.

We cannot get to a star while we are alive.

Dan just wanted to reach the stars.

The metallic structure groaned slightly with the wind and Dan was jolted back into reality, the morbidly poetic moment now alive with trepidation. His head was spinning and bile suddenly began to rise in his throat.

He was really going to do this.

He spat the bile over the edge and the bitterness on his tongue was a twisted metaphor for the way he felt.

His fingers were trembling as he gripped the metal bars, but he swore to himself it wasn't from fear, it was just simply the cold wind.

That didn't explain how fast his heart was beating.

Dan knew how he had rationalised this moment to himself thousands of times. Dying was just like picking a mode of transport to a certain destination.

To die quietly of old age would be to go there on foot.

You could go there by bicycle, an illness slowly creeping up on you.

You could go there by boat, a pleasant trip but death can always be seen in the distance, drawing nearer and nearer.

You could go there by car, caught in a turmoil of your own existence.

You could go there by plane, abusing substances to bring oblivion closer.

Or you could just click your heels together and repeat over and over again that there's no place like the night sky, and you'll be gone in an instant.

Dan chose the latter.

Each step I left behind

Each road you know is mine

Dan realised his phone was buzzing, but he ignored it, instead choosing to listen to his ringtone as it blared his favourite song into the night.

Walking on a line ten stories high

Say you'll still be by my side

The caller hung up and Dan was left with those last two lines playing themselves over and over in his head.

Dan wanted to believe it was just his own fascination with death that had caused this late night moonlit expedition, but he finally let himself accept that is was Phil who'd caused this.

He'd promised he'd never leave.

He'd promised.

But he'd still left Dan in the end.

He'd still left Dan for the pretty girl with the tinkling laugh.

And Dan didn't blame him for it.

He was ugly and broken and insignificant, and that beautiful girl could give Phil so much more than Dan ever could.

And yeah, maybe abandoning Phil's wedding to climb up the side of a bridge and commit suicide was a stupid thing to do.

But he was prone to doing stupid things.

It had been thirteen years since Phil had told him they'd be better off as best friends, not lovers.

But Dan now realised, love was the only thing that had been keeping him alive. And now, with Phil married, devoting every ounce of his love to one woman, Dan understood there was no love left for him.

He took a deep breath.

This was it.

Each step I left behind

Each road you know is mine

Walking on a line ten stories high

Say you'll still be by my side

Dan tugged his phone out of his pocket and threw it off the bridge. He listened as the song faded and his phone shot downwards towards the waves.

It fell into the water with a barely audible splash.

He would not let anything sway his decision.

It was now or never.

Phil would never be by his side again.

Never.

And if Phil was never going to be by his side again, then there was no point to continuing his hollow existence here on this broken planet.

It was time to reach for the stars.