Resolution
So I heard, you found somebody else
And at first, I thought, it was a lie
Okay. That’s a slap on my face.
”V, I won’t stay here for too long, okay?” I have a flight to catch up tomorrow. I sighed when I saw that V wasn’t listening.
I took all my things that make sounds
The rest I can do without
“C, just forget your damn flight and heartbreak for tonight. Enjoy! Matagal din tayon hindi magkikita, and besides, we prepared this for you” malambing niyang sagot. Kumuha pa siya ng JD at iniabot sa akin. Nilalasing ba ako nito? Bumagsak ang balikat ko dahil alam kong wala akong kawala dito. I’ll just pretend that I’m drunk. Okay, that’s a brilliant idea C! I mentally slapped myself.
I don’t want your body
But I hate to think about you with somebody else
Our love has gone cold
You’re intertwining your soul with somebody else
Damn music. Damn bar. Damn Sev. Damn wedding. Fuck my life.
Sunod sunod kong nilagok lahat ng inumin na nasa harap ko kahit hindi ko na alam kung kanino pa iyon.
Naghiyawan ang mga comodels ko at sinenyasan nilang pumunta ako sa harap. Sa may stage, may mga instruments at microphone dahil minsan, may mga banda na kumakanta dito.
Kahit club ito, people who go here are rich. What I mean is they can party and dance all night but they also know how to listen if somebody randomly play or sing in front.
“No no. Ayoko. I know what you guys are up to. Spare me” umiiling ako habang patuloy sila sa paghatak sa akin patayo. Natatawa ako dahil na rin siguro sa alak sa aking sistema ay wala na din akong lakas para pumiglas sa kanila.
“C’mon Chelsy! Just one song!” ani ng namumulang si V. Fuck, this girl is drunk as hell already.
“Fine. Just one song and that’s it.” Bumitaw na sila sa akin at sinuyod ko na ang daan papunta sa unahan. Agad namang itinigil ng DJ ang music ng namataan akong paakyat. This isn’t my first time playing in front of people, although I’m nervous, I’m drunk to even feel it kaya may kakaibang lakas ng loob akong nararamdaman.
Umupo ako sa harap ng keyboard at may umakyat na lalaki upang itutok ang microphone sa akin. Dahil naging modelo ako, naging madalang na ang pag atupag ko sa iba ko pang hilig katulad ng pagkanta at pagtugtog ng instrumento. Naging pangunahin ko nang gawain ang pagmomodelo dahil kay Sev. Shit. He left me. Now I can’t even do modelling without hurting.
I know that this wound will bleed again
Now I’m here right beside the one I love
I see he’s in love with someone else
Now I know, I just got to let him go
I don’t know, I should be happy right? It was my fault that I didn’t fight for him. Hindi ba kapag mahal mo ang isang tao, you will want to do what makes them happy? I did. At the cost of my own. I should be happy that he is now happy. But shit, I should have been that one he’s vowing to in the altar.
Because it’s over,
Help me get over
Kung pinaglaban ko ba siya, would it make a difference? Kung ipinilit ko ang happiness ko with him, will things turn differently?
I don’t know what to do
There is no easy way of letting go
But I know there’s no sense
In holding on too much to something fading
Help me, help me
Help me, get over you
Nangingilid ang luha sa aking mga mata at dinadama ang aking kanta. That’s the thing about singing and playing, you just don’t sing or play for fun. You sing to express yourself and to help yourself accept what you have and what you need to do.
Nararamdaman kong maaring manginig na ang boses ko, but I don’t want to stop.
Now I see, you’re so happy with her
Deep inside, I just don’t know what to feel
I was there at their wedding, when they vowed to each other forever. That should’ve been me. I came because I don’t want him to feel the bitterness. Napaka martir ko naman pala talaga. But who’s at fault? Me who chose to leave him so he could be happy or him who cheated and chose her instead? Because hell, if it was his fault why am I the one hurting so much?
Oh, I’m sure, you don’t need me anymore
So I’ll go on, try my best to just move on
Now that it’s over
I got to get over
I am vowing to myself, that I’ll stop blaming the past. Wala nang mababago, wala nang babalik o aahon pa. Dahil sarado na, kandado na. Kaya for the last time, I’ll pour out everything tonight. Bago ko ituloy ang pagkanta ko, tumingin ako kay V, she was smiling while tears are silently making their way out of her eyes. She mouthed ‘I love you C’. Thankful that she was and is always my best friend.
I don’t know what to do
There is no easy way of letting go
But I know there’s no sense
In holding on too much to something fading
Help me, help me
Help me,get over you
Help me, get over you
I stopped there and before I burst out in front, I made my way to V. People were clapping and cheering and it feels like they are cheering for my decision to finally move on. I cried in V’s arm. I let everything out. For the first time since I left him to make his decision, I cried everything out.
“See you soon V. I love you.” I whispered to V in between my sobs. She caressed my head and pats my back. “I love you C. I’ll see you soon. Go and be happy.”
And with that, ends my night with a firm resolution. Find and then love yourself first.
