Desperate To Have Him

Preface

"Bakit mo ako pinapunta rito?" He asked smiling.

His smile is different from what he used to show me.

"Wala lang. Gusto ko lang mag-inom. Bawal ba?" I wanted to tell him how much I missed his face and voice and how much his decision of avoiding me crushed my heart to bits. But I guess this is fine. As long as he's here then it's fine.

"Ah gano'n ba? Wala palang ibang sasama sa'yo?" Sabi niya ng may halong awa.

Fine. Kung kailangan na kaawaan niya ako para lang mag-usap kami then I'll take it. Kaysa naman magpaka-demure ako. I can't lose him. It'll drive me insane. The mere thought of it is enough to make me cry.

I feign sadness to gain his sympathy. "Sadly, yeah."

Alam ko naman na sasamahan niya ako dahil mabait siyang tao. Hindi niya hahayaan na mapahamak ako.

He sighed and I'm not feeling good about what he'll say next.

"Are you sure you invited me here because of that?"

I grabbed the wine glass and sipped some red wine to calm myself down. "Y-Yeah."

"You know... Maybe we should talk. Its been a while and its also hurting me when we're not like we used to be."

No! I don't want us to talk! Hindi pa ba sapat na nasaktan mo ko sa mga pang-iiwas mo sa'kin?!

He took my silence as a yes and continued. "I love Bella a lot."

I painfully smiled. "Alam ko." Kailangan niya pa ba ipamukha sakin?

I emptied the wine in my glass but its not enough to calm me. To stop my heart from shattering all over again.

There was something he was about to say but I cut him off. "Hindi mo ko kailangan sampalin ng katotohanan. Hindi ako bulag at mas lalong hindi ako tanga, Aenon. Umamin lang naman ako sayo na mahal kita hindi ko sinabing panagutan mo yung feelings ko at pakasalan mo ko."

Masyado na kasing masakit, Ae. Ang tagal ko nang kinikimkim lahat ng feelings ko---pagmamahal, galit, lungkot.

Feeling ko sasabog na lang ako bigla at magme-mental breakdown sa harap niya kapag nagtuloy tuloy pa siya sa mga sinasabi niya.

There was silence for a few minutes until he decided to break it.

"You're a great woman, Hope, but..." he trailed off and I'm dreading the next words. "Someday you'll find a guy who'll reciprocate your feelings and treat you like a queen. He'll be worthy of your love and I'm not that guy."

Pain.

Sadness.

Dreadful moment.

I've had enough dose of reality for tonight.

"You are that guy. You just have to love me back," I pleaded. Bakit pa ko mahihiya? Eh nilunok ko na lahat ng pride ko pagdating sa kanya.

He sighed and shook his head. "You don't understand. I only see you as a friend and I don't see myself falling for you. There's someone I am already madly in love with."

I swallowed the lump in my throat and forced myself to form words before I start wallowing.

"O-Okay... Could you at least drink this wine with me? I'll stay out of your way after tonight," I said as I handed him a glass of wine.

Akala ko wala nang mas sasakit pa sa nararamdaman ko pero mas masakit pala yung hindi niya pag-apila sa sinabi ko. He really do wants me to stay out of his way until I forget about my mentally-draining and emotionally-scarring love.

As Aenon drank everything, my heart was beating fast in my chest; convincing myself of the reasons why I have to do this.

"Hope, what..."

Forgive me please.

Nilagyan ko nga ng drug yung wine ni Aenon to make him horny. My plan is not well-constructed, I know but its the only thing I can think of to make him mine.

"I trusted you!" he shouted and it scared me because he never shouts and I've never seen him get mad.

My tears started to fall but I have to finish the plan no matter what.

I crashed my lips against his as I removed his shirt. Akala ko manlalaban pa siya pero nagulat ako nang humalik siya pabalik. Pagsisihan ko talaga ito bukas pero masyadong masarap ang mga halik ni Aenon para tumigil. I had been wanting to taste his lips ever since and to know how much of a good kisser he is.

"Fuck, Ae!" I moaned in his ears as he caressed my boobs while kissing my neck.

But something's missing.

Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang nangyayari sakin. Namamasa ang pisngi ko nang dahil sa mga luhang patuloy na tumutulo mula sa mga mata ko.

He lacks love and passion.

Ano ba ang problema? I got what I wanted. My plan succeeded. Ae's with me. Then what the hell is my problem?! Why the fuck am I crying?!

Dumako ang mga mata ko sa mukha ni Ae na nakapikit and I saw a man full of misery, distress and hatred.

Hatred.

Tama, I deserve that. Ang tanga ko rin kasi. But what good would regret do? I just have to enjoy the moment even if the man here with me is not.

I continued kissing him while we discarded our clothes. Things were happening way too fast for my liking. Nagmamadali kasi siya.

My lips formed a painful smile. Kung sabagay, gusto niya na siguro umalis as soon as possible tapos hindi na siya magpapakita sakin. Siguro nga iniisip niya pa na iba yung kinakama niya.

Hindi ba talaga pwede na sumaya kami sa piling ng isa't isa?

Funny how things turned out like this.

Who would've thought that I would become a crazy bitch for a guy?

But if I have to be a crazy bitch to get him, then so be it.

Because this crazy bitch is desperate to have him.