Random writting

17-nov-2014

English version down there

Solo quería saber que pensabas – Susurró en la voz débil que él tanto odiaba.

No creo que seas la persona para mí – Con esas palabras sello el destino que habían comenzado hace tanto tiempo. Todo los miedos que había sentido alguna vez, trepaban nuevamente por su cuerpo, físicamente podía sentirlos debajo de su piel, rompiendo su tranquilidad y amenazando permanecer ahí por un buen tiempo, hacer nidos en su mente para susurrar inseguridades en sus oídos, el miedo de no ser suficiente él que le rectificaba en ese momento. La razón por la que sentimos miedo es sencilla, el miedo es un mecanismo de defensa porque sabemos que hay algo allí, algo que no está bien, algo que nos puede lastimar, que nos puede hacer daño, algo que tiene la capacidad de destruirnos, y así él la destruyó.

Todas los días buenos que tuvieron juntos no se comparaban con los malos, para ella habían más de los primeros y con su mala memoria olvidaba rápidamente los malos, olvidaba que las peleas eran culpa de ella, olvidaba que él siempre la perdonaba. Sin embargo el no dudaba en tomar la oportunidad de refrescar su memoria y lentamente abrir las heridas que habían tardado en sellar, eso no le importaba, así el también sufriera; porque al fin de cuentas a ella le dolería más. No era cruel, era humano.

El creía que ella no lo conocía, que era tan egoísta y centrada en si misma que después de todos estos años no se había tomado la molestia en conocerlo, lo que él no sabía es que ella siempre se lo había preguntado, cada palabra que él acababa de decir. Ella temía que fuera una vergüenza para él, ella también sabía que le molestaba que no se hiciera respetar. Lo que no esperaba era escuchar lo que alguna vez fueron palabra de cariño convirtiéndose en dagas hirientes, haciéndola dudar si había algo que todavía le gustara de ella.

Él tenía todo calculado incluso las relaciones (sobre todo las relaciones), siempre había algo entre líneas cuando daba halagos. Ella no era así, no podía ser calculadora, era trasparente en todas sus palabra, por eso no le contaba todo.

Ella era imperfecta y él no.

Ella era inmadura y él no.

Ella era indecisa y él no.

Ella era desordenada y él no.

Ella era egoísta y él no.

Ella estaba confundida de su misión en la vida y él no.

Ella se había enamorado y el no.

Ella no se había dado cuenta en qué momento se había perdido a sí misma, cediendo; siempre le había gustado complacer a las personas y sobre todo a quien significaba su mundo; sabiendo cuanto el odiaba eso, a pesar que se había aprovechado tantas veces. No le podía decir que no. Le permitiría todo ya era tarde para comenzar a negarle cosas.

Le permitiría abusar su cuerpo, su corazón y romper su espíritu que alguna vez fue fuerte, pero ahora debilitado por los años y la dependencia a él. Sin embargo se prometió a si misma que su mente solo pertenecería a ella y que se perdería allí, entre fantasías, inventando un mundo aparte, donde él no existiera, donde no tuviera control, donde sus palabra hirientes se rompieran en letras sin sentido y se reorganizaran en poemas, donde ella fuera la única que existiera en lo vasto de la nada; un lugar que fuera solo de ella, y únicamente se permitiera existir a sí misma, y pudiera estar segura lejos de él.

Lo decidió todo en solo un segundo. Lo miró a los ojos y con una voz decisiva y fuerte ajena a ella, habló de nuevo. De acuerdo, así que, qué es lo que SI quieres?

Y honestamente ella le sonrió.

Porque a pesar de todo, ella lo amaba y no podía hacer nada más que dejarse ser consumida por ese fuego encendido y convertirse en cenizas.

English version here

I just wanted to know what were you thinking about – she whispered in that weak voice that he hated so much.

Those things that you do, doesn't go with me, I don't know whats going on in your mind – With those words he sealed the journey they started long ago. All the fears that she had felt once, came back crawling through her body, she could actually feel them underneath her skin, breaking her ease and threating to became a permanent part of herself, nesting in her mind to whisper insecurities in her ears; the fear that she wouldn't ever be enough was so strong in that moment. Fear is an instinctive reaction to external threats, a defense mechanism to unknown, is there to tell us that something doesn't fit, that something is there, something is not right, that whatever is out there may hurt us, injured us, that it has the ability to destroy us, and so did he, he destroy her.

Every good that that they had together did compared with the bad ones, for her there were more of the first and with her bad memory, she forget quickly about the last, she forget that they always fought because of her, she forget that he always forget her. Nevertheless he didn't miss the opportunity to refresh her memory and slowly re-opening the wounds that had took so long to heal, that did mater, even if it also hurt him, cuz in the end she would suffer more. He wasn't cruel, he was just human.

He believed that she did knew him, that she was so self-centered and selfish that after all these years she even hadn't take the time to get to know him, but what he didn't know was that she have always wonder every word that he had just spoke. She feared that he was embarrassed to be seen with her, she also knew that bothered him when she didn't stand up for herself. What she didn't expect was hearing all the loving words turning in hateful thoughts, making her doubt even more if there was at least something that he still liked about her.

He had everything calculated even relationships (mostly relationships), there was always a hidden agenda attached to his sweet talking. She wasn't like that, she couldn't be a calculating person, she was an open book in all of her words, that's why she didn't tell him everything.

She was weak, and he was strong.

She was immature, he wasn't.

She second thought everything, he didn't.

She was messy, he wasn't.

She was selfish, he wasn't.

She didn't had life figured out, he did.

She had fall in love, he had fall out.

She didn't realize in which point she had lost herself, giving in, she had always been a people pleaser and mostly with the one that was her world. Knowing how much he despised that, still taking advantage of it. She couldn't say no to him. She would allow everything from now on it was too late to start denying stuff.

She would allow him to abuse her body, her heart, to break her spirit that were strong once, now strained by the years and the dependence that had developed. However she promised herself that her mind would only belong to her and that she would lost there, between fantasies, inventing a world aside, where he didn't exist, where he wasn't in control, where his hurtful words detached in meaningless pieces and rearranged in poems, where she was the only thing submerged in the vast nothing; that would be her only world, where only she was allowed, and she would be safe away from him.

She decided all in a mere second, look straight in his eyes, and with a strong decided voice she talked again. Alright, so what DO you want?

And she honestly smiled to him.

Because despise everything, she loved him and couldn't do anything about it but to let herself be consumed by that angry fire and to become ashes.

pG