"The most difficult thing about relationship is that sometimes, you don't know how it ended. No words. No explanations. He just stopped communicating you as if you didn't exist in his life. But you know the painful part? He gave you something for you to hope that someday, he'll come back."
I entered my last post for the day. And did my stretching. Ugh. Kakasimula pala ng 3rd year, first sem ko sa college, stress na agad. Andami ng pinagawang report ung mga prof. ko. Haist.
At dahil jan, di ako palaging nakakapost sa blog ko. Buti pa nga may time ako ngayon.
"From now on, you need to think carefully about everything you see. Don't let your emotions rule you and think about it thoroughly, what's the reason behind. It might confused you, but, one thing is for sure, I love you, and I'll always love you."
with those words, he gave me a rose. for the first time in our relationship he gave me a rose. I was happy. very very happy. Because I think that it's kinda special for him to give me a rose.
"Titigil lang ako kapag malanta na yan "- he said, pointing at the rose I was holding.
I shook my head para mawala ung mga thoughts na yun. Ito ang ayaw ko kapag stress eh. Naaalala ko un.
Ano ba Sarah? Malapit ng mag three years ung pangyayaring yun bakit hanggang ngayon iniisip mo parin un? - Saway ko sa sarili ko.
I sighed. This isn't helping at all. Mas pinapastress ko pa sarili ko.
I glanced at my drawer, na hinding-hindi ko binuksan simula nung araw na yun. Something told me that dapat buksan ko un, something told me na hindi dapat.
bakit? natatakot ka ba na baka nalanta na yan? 3 years na Sarah. lantang-lanta na yan. Are you still holding into him? Hanggang ngayon?
I ruffled my hair, annoyingly. Takteng isip naman to. Tsk. Hindi ba pwedeng icheer up ako nito? Hmph.
Shinut down ko na yung lappy ko tapos pumuntang dresser and kinuha ung black hoodie ko at sinuot ito. Napaglance ako sa wrist watch ko and it says, 4 am. Wag na kayong magtaka. Ganyan talaga ung laging nangyayari. Insomnia kasi. Kinuha ko lang ung MP3 tsaka nagsuot ng headphones. Then music started blaring through my ears. Nagsuot na ako ng sneakers and lumabas sa kwarto ko tapos lumabas ng bahay.
"Oh anak? San punta mo?" - napalingon ako sa garden at nakita si Nanay na may hawak na watering plants tapos suot ay apron.
"Ahh. Nay, maglalakad-lakad lang po jan."- pagpapaalam ko.
"Sige. Ingat ka ah? Make sure to be back sa breakfast. Alam mo namang yung tatay mo." - I chuckled.
"Yes po Nay. Balik po ako agad"- tumalikod na ako at siguradong nagsimula na si Nanay magdilig. Daily routine niya yan everyday. Para daw mas lumago mga halaman niya.
Our subdivision is safe naman kaya okay lang na maglibot libot dito kahit hating gabi, although hindi naman ako pinapayagan ng parents ko. Mga ganitong oras lang.
Nasimula na akong maglakad habang naka on yung music. Malamig ang hangin. Pero fresh. This is what peace feels like.
Ng makakita ako ng bench, umupo agad ako doon at nagsimulang mag-isip. Siyempre minsan lang ako senti kasi parang di bagay saakin kaya pabayaan niyo na muna ako ngayon. Kahit anong pilit ko, bumabalik at bumabalik sa pangyayari na yun.
After he said those words, he smiled and kissed my forehead. The gestures I love the most. And I don't know what to feel when suddenly, he started to turn his back on me. Every step he took, was like needles stabbing through my heart, piercing through my soul. What is he doing? What? I don't get it. But I acted impulsively, I ran towards him and hugged him from behind.
And then I sobbed. God, I never cried this much.
"I-I d-don't know what happening.." my voice was shaking. I was a bit surprised that I formed a sentence.
"B-but.. w-why d-do I feel like... I'm losing you?"- I stuttered. Afraid of what he might tell. He held my hands that were wrapped around him and Then he faced me. He was smiling. His eyes were glittering. He was crying. I don't know what to feel. Are we breaking up? But we never had problems. why does it have to be end this way? Wait. Is this even the end? I don't know. I was confused... and hurt..
He pat my head. And he walked away again.. twice.. I couldn't chase him again.. because I felt so weak, betrayed, and hurt. Why? What's this? Did he just left me hanging? But he wouldn't do it. Why did he do this to me? I needed an explanation. I wanted him to come back... Why?
What just happened?
I wiped the tears that were running on my face. It had been 3 years. But it felt like yesterday. Bakit hanggang ngayon iniiyakan ko pa siya? Dahil ba siya pa lang yung lalaking kaisa isang close ko? Pero imposible yun, I grew up, living with all boys because my mom abandoned us when I was young. Tsaka lang nag-asawa ulit si Tatay 4 years ago. And I got used to boys and never been attached like what he did to me. O baka naman, mahal ko pa?
I slapped my face. Ouch. Ano ba yang pinagsasabi ko? Hinding-hindi mangyayari un. 3 years na. Marami ng nagbago. Nag-iba na ako. Kaya hindi imposibleng nag-iba na rin ung feelings ko.
Pero.. Simula nun kasi hindi na kami nagkita.. simula nun, hindi na kami nakapag communicate. Simula nun, nawala lang siya na parang bula. I tried to text him, call him, but out of coverage siya. I tried messaging him in facebook, but he deactivated. I tried messaging him in whats app, but he blocked me. Wala akong matawagan na kapatid niya kasi only child siya.
And then when i decided to come to their house, sabi ng kapit bahay nila, pumunta na daw silang States. Kung saan andun ung Papa niya. Mukhang nagkabalikan na ung mga magulang niya. I was broken. Why didn't he tell me in the first place? Why? Why didn't he do it? Why couldn't he trust me? Akala niya di ko kaya yung LDR? Bakit?
I was depressed. Really. I was depressed for a year. I was devastated. I loved him -and think I still is- too much. Too much that I could have ended my life if I had enough guts. I was just thankful that despite of my state, I was able to pass my examinations on some universities.
Maybe I just need closure. Tama. Closure for me to offically moved on. Pero we never crossed paths. I never heard anything from him when I started college. Kaya I don't know when to start that 'closure' I want. Hindi ko alam kung sa Pilipinas na ba siya or andun parin sa States.
I sighed deeply. I shouldn't be thinking about this.
"Ikaw kasi Sarah. Ang shunga mo naman eh. Bakit hanggang ngayon parin ganyan ka na? Ano ka? Parang bata? Na hindi makamoved on? Gaah. Gising na Sarah. Masyado ka ng nasasaktan. Bakit? Ganito rin ba nararamdaman niya? Hindi diba? Baka nga he is currently flirting with a stupid blonde chick and blue eyes. Kaya tigil na okay? Wala ka naman kasing mapapala kung iiyak mo rin yan. Hindi naman siya babalik.."- and then I cried again.. darn this tears.. It is betraying me..
I snapped my head up when I heard a cracking crunch from the branch of the tree, behind the bench I was sitting.
"Shit." - someone cursed and was followed by a thud.
"Ouch" he said whimpering.
I was too shocked to move and I couldn't even blink. Omg. Oh my veggies. Darn.
