Just Want To Be Accepted

As I walk down the long empty hallways at school, I get strange looks. I am sick of this. I want it to stop! I find an empty classroom, lock the door and just sit there and stare at the cream colour concrete ceiling and let the tears flow out of my eyes. The lights are off which makes the room almost pitch black, all I can see is the whiteboard and I am pretty sure that there was an Italian class in here because there is writing about essere and avere. I hear loud footsteps of students walking past, I hope they don't come in here, while the girls are laughing with their friends I am crying on the floor by myself. I put on music from my phone and I play Knives and Pens by black veil brides. I feel my left hand on the rough worn-out carpet and my right hand is all wet from wiping the tears off of my face. I am tired of being judged just because of what I look like and because of the music I listen to. This is every single day at school. I am always being called:

freak

wierdo

emo/scene

waste of space

And no I am not a hypochondriac I don't make these things up in my head and exaggerate. These things that people call me are true. I am the type of person who keeps to themselves and so I sit alone in class because who would want to be friends with a freak? My family doesn't understand why I like the things I like such as:

dark eye makeup

black clothes

heavy metal music and black.

My mum is very open minded about the things I like and accepts me, but my dad is not open minded. He is more old fashioned and does not like the things I like. I am scared he won't accept me but in my head I already know without a shadow of a doubt he won't accept me. He called me horrible when he found out that I coloured my hair black, because he thinks what I like is disgusting.

I

DON'T

BELONG

to this earth. I stand up and walk around thinking about why can't people accept me and what is it like to belong or, what is it like for someone to be accepted. Even more tears come out after I think about the death of my grandfather and how I know he would have accepted me for the real me unlike everyone else who doesn't like the real me. I have spent a long time trying to work out who I really am and when I finally do and when I am finally happy with myself, everyone disapproves. I also start thinking about how much I want to end my life but I cant do that to my family.

For some reason the footsteps have stopped the hallways are quiet until her best friend Grace walks in and I try hide under one of the tables but there is no point.

"GO AWAY!", I screamed and cried

"I am not going anywhere, I have been looking for you for the past hour and you expect me to walk in in you in this state and to just leave you alone.... Sorry but I ain't leaving until I know why you are like this and if you are ok ".

" please Grace I just want to be alone for a while".

" you have had your hour to yourself so no I am not leaving. What happened? "

" I was walking down the hallway and these girls called me a freak because of my clothes and my makeup"

" but you're not a freak you are unique and beautiful. What happened usually you don't care about what people think of you"

" I know but usually people will whisper it to their friends but these girls said it to my face"

" so I am gonna go kill them now WHO WAS IT!"

" she is in out year and she is the sort of person that has a lot of friends and is popular"

" what colour hair"

" dark brown almost a black"

" well when I am done with you I am going to go kill her... and why do you think you are a freak"

" I love to listen to Black Veil Brides, My Chemical Romance, Pierce The Veil, Marilyn Manson, KISS and AC/DC. As for the clothes I like to wear I wear: Black skinny jeans, boots, band shirts and black jackets, Oh and my makeup is black eye liner, mascara and black eye shadow."

So because of all that I am labelled as the "emo/scene kid" or even "the devil's child". So who would want to be friends with someone like me. People ask me why I am the way that I am, but I don't say anything but the reason is because it feels like a mask to me so that people can't judge me anymore but when I don't have any of that, I feel like people can judge me. I want to dye my hair black but people don't like the idea of it even though it is my decision. I absolutely hate the looks people give me as if it is a crime to be who you are.

" but you are perfect to me" Grace gently said.

"Nobody will ever let me be me because they don't like it and they don't understand. I started wearing a fake lip ring, I get these disapproving stares from everyone. I have never been able to fit in at school because of what I like and what I look like.Teachers tell me to take my makeup off but what they don't realise is that is stopped my cutting and I feel like if I took it off then I would start caring about what people think and then it will get to me and then I would start again".

" and you are a strong for stopping that shows you have self-respect and that you want this war to end".

My family might not understand my reasons for being the way I am, but at least they make me feel like I am a somebody in this world. Now I don't care anymore, I am going to start showing the real me, and I honestly could not care less of what people think anymore.

"4 years ago I was gothic and I loved it and I felt good about myself but I got bullied out of that and because my dad didn't approve of is so for the past 4 years I have been this girly girl that he always wanted, now I have waited 4 years and people are going to know the real me not the fake me." I explained.

We get up and get out of the class room and just walk around the school and because shool has finished no one can see my tears.

" well I love the real you but you have to tell your dad about how you feel and how you want to be your self"

" I cant because I am scared he wont accept me but then he needs to know how I am feeling like isn't it bad enough that I have atelophobia".

"whats antelophobia?"

" it's the fear of never being good enough".

I justwant to be accepted and they don't need to understand my reasons for things.