IM5 Preference #36 "It's Been a While"

1. Cole

Cole called earlier. He asked you to meet him at the park, where you always go when you sneak out late at night. You knew this was coming, you’ve known for weeks, but that doesn’t make it easier. You know it’s what needs to be done, but that doesn’t make you want it. As you’re getting ready to go, you remember that you still have one of his hoodies in your closet, and you decide you should bring it with you, to give it back. And as you’re walking through the crisp night air, you realize that the walk to the park suddenly seems so much shorter when you’re dreading what lies at the end.

He’s sitting at the bottom of the slide and you walk over, sitting beside him, “Hey,” you say. He sees how you’re clutching his hoodie in your hands, but pretends not to. “So, I’m just gonna get to the point and say—” You interrupt, “Cole, I know what you’re going to say, and it’s okay.” He doesn’t respond. “Um, here,” you hold out the hoodie to him. He pushes it away, back into your lap, “You keep it, I want you to have it.” You start to argue, but he places a finger over your lips, “I want you to have something to remember me by,” and gives you a sad smile before gently squeezing your shoulder and turning to walk away. “Goodbye, Cole,” you choke out. And you don’t feel hurt. In fact, you don’t feel anything, you’re just numb.

And in the days that follow, you wish you could say that it’s as if he was never a part of your life, but you wouldn’t even be fooling yourself. Because ever since Cole left, something else has been MIA, your period. You’ve missed it and you’re ninety-nine percent sure of what this means. It’s a Saturday and you wrap yourself up in your duvet, not wanting to see the world. You don’t move from your bed until your mum comes to tell you dinner’s ready. “What’s wrong?” Your eyes fill with tears as everything floods in at once. “I think I’m pregnant,” you choke out.

And you’re right. Less than nine months later, his name is Corey, and you know that everything from here on out is going to be a struggle. You barely finish high school and know that college won’t even be an option right now. So, you get a job. Simultaneously working and raising a son proves itself to be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, and you hope it stays that way, that nothing is more difficult than this. Throughout it all, you keep telling yourself, None of this is easy, but then again this was never about getting off easy.

*             *             *             *             *

“Mommy, look!” Your eight-year-old son, Corey, calls from the swing set, swinging as high as he can. “That’s great, Honey,” you smile, watching him.

“Careful there, Buddy, don’t go too high.” That voice, it’s changed, but you recognize it right away. Your heart flutters in your chest, the way it did all those years ago. Cole. Corey giggles and Cole smiles warmly at him before turning to face you and waving. Shell-shocked, you wave back and he’s walking towards you. “Hey,” he smiles, his hands in his pockets, standing before you as if no time has passed. “Mind if I sit?” he motions towards the bench.

“Go ahead,” you force a smile, and can’t help but curse his timing. After all these years? Really? He takes a seat beside you and sighs deeply. “I, um, didn’t think I’d ever see you again,” he says, his voice laced with nostalgia. “But I guess you’ve got a family now,” he chuckles, watching Corey on the swings. You nod, “Yeah,” and smile weakly, “Yeah, I guess I do.” He glances at your hands, “You married?” Your stomach lurches, “No, no…” And you’ve never been more thankful for the fact that there is little to no resemblance between Cole and your son.

You aren’t off the hook yet. “But why not?” he asks. Cole never knew when to stop with the questions. You take a shaky breath, formulating a reply, “Well…we just hadn’t seen each other since, and he didn’t know.” A look of mild confusion takes over his face as he asks yet another question, “How long has it been?” On instinct, you say, “Eight years.”

And now, thinking back, looking from you to your son, he knows.