Burn;
Sometimes I need to get out. I need to run. I need air. sometimes the pain of loss becomes too bearable. to the point where you just want to run away.
I walked my way into the hills. About 1 hour walk from my place. I sat at the edge of the cliff and just stared out into the city. It was still dark and the city lights were shining even though it's 9 at night and the city is alive. I felt my lip tremble and I just dropped my head into my hands. I cried, I let it all out. I hate when people see me cry so I just let myself be alone and cried.
I rested my chin on my knees and just quietly sobbed. I wish my mom never left me, I would probably in her arms crying, not in the middle of the cold city. I miss her, she was like the city, she lighted up my life even when I was down she would always know what to do.
There was a storm that night. which explains why I am now to this day scared of storms. someone broke into our house and my mum was shot. I noticed that the lighting sounded weird so I went down stairs. When I saw my mom there, dead. I couldn't bare it. I fainted and then woke up in the hospital because I hit my head hard and was out for 15 hours. Ever since then I have been terrified of storms and loud noises.
I wipe the stray tears form my eyes and lift myself onto the chair beside the hill. I lifted my knees up to my face.
Sometimes it gets lonely. and I just have to do something, anything to get my mind off it. But sometimes the lonely ness and the pain consumes me and causes me to break down. I can't bear it any more.
I tried to overdose 3 months ago. No one knows about it. Only Stephanie knows, she's the one that found me. I was stupid, alone, bored. All the words in my head consumed me, swallowed me whole. I couldn't take it anymore.
Once I did it, I realised I wasn't ready yet. I panicked, I called Stephanie and she came as fast as she could. but when I was calling her I should of been calling a ambulance. I was in a coma for 3 weeks. but I just pretended I was on holiday.
everyone just expects the fat girl to just want to end everything because they believe they are ugly. but I love how I look. I do. but I hate how I think, how I talk, how I act. I hate myself. but I'm happy with how I look.
I start to shiver as I feel a small drop of water his my arm. shit. I pull my phone out and check the time. 9.54pm. I quickly call a uber so I don't have to walk all the way home in the rain. while I'm on my phone I check to see if a storm is coming. luckily it's just a bit of rain. I don't have to panic.
