My dreams are restless, I feel myself thrash, but I can't wake up. I'm breaking in this dream, I'm Leila, Zoe, Noel, all these people, but I'm constantly changing. Little Zoe, to Noel, to me. Then, i see my old friends Sadie, Mara, and Bailey. I see Jack, I see Gerson. Then I wake up whither a shout, I'm sweating like crazy, and y eyes dart back and forth, where am I? I feel a hand on my back and scream, but it's just Gerson.
"Noe-Leila, are you okay? What happened?" He says frantically, his face ashen.
"Just, just a really bad dream." I say, but that isn't even the beginning of it. Then, I start crying. Harsh, loud sobs, Gerson envelops his arms around me, letting my pathetic self cry. I want my old life back, I want to be Leila, I want to worry about drivers licenses, and boyfriends, and small things like that.
"Shh, shh Noel, it's okay. It's okay Leila." I notice he changes the name, and I sob again. This is so much harder than I thought it would be to send Noel to heaven, I didn't know I would have to go through all this.
Sadie POV
I'm at the therapist. My parents made me go, I feel weird, empty. I just can't forget Leila in that casket, her makeup done in a way I knew she'd hated when she was alive. Was. That's how dead people go from life to death, present to past. Was.
"What exactly happened?" The therapist, Dr. Delson, asks. I harrumph, this is a waste of my time, but I answer anyway.
"She was at my house-"
"Who?" Dr. D asks and I almost yell at him, Leila of course!
"Leila." I growl. Then continue.
"Well, we were messing around. Texting friends, painting nails, then she had to go home. She had to finish homework, she said. I did too, so we talked a little more, then she left. I looked out as I was doing my homework, and I saw the crash. A driver swerved, and crashed. His driving was sloppy, we learned he was a drunk. I saw her bloody corpse on the ground, him coming out of the car, and I remember screaming."
Dr. D writes something down.
"What did you feel like when this happened?" He says.
I hesitate before answering, it was hard to explain.
"I felt like Atlas, having to hold up the earth. I had a moment of fear, like pit in your stomach fear. When you see something like that, everything changes in two seconds, suddenly, I didn't have a best friend. No person to cry with, or go to camp with, or do crazy stuff with, I was alone. Why does no one seem to get that?"
Carly POV
After the jail visit, Sam bought me tickets to Washington D.C. I don't really see how this will help, but I know it was genuine. I had to get a job to pay for funeral arrangements, insurance, and other things. I don't know how he afforded it, but we're leaving tomorrow. Hopefully, I can forget about...her. I can't even say my daughters name. Well, maybe I don't want to forget her, but do I really want to live like this for the rest of my life. I'm not really sure anymore.
Leila
After I had calmed down, Gerson offered up an idea. We were going to the Smithsonian.
"I know you love it's art section, maybe it would help you feel better." He said, taking my hand. I offered him a half smile, and squeeze his palm gently.
----
The ride was quick, but silent. We didn't speak, but it wasn't like last night. It was an awkward silence, both us us searching for words we couldn't find. When we finally get there, he opens my door, true gentleman, and helps me out. I'm in a simple yellow sundress, but it shines like the sun on my new tan skin.
"You look beautiful Miss. Amiliè." He says, a little too brightly. We walk for a while, but stiffly. Finally, I'm bored with all the tension, so I lean on my tiptoes and kiss him lightly on the cheek. My cheeks glow embarrassedly, but he smiles, and takes my hand once more. As we walk, I spot a familiar head above the crowd, very familiar.
Dark hair, short, standing next to a balding man with graying hair, wearing bifocals. No, no it can't be. Suddenly, I'm pushing part Gerson, shoving through crowds, trying to reach them, my parents. "Mom!" I scream desperately. "Mom!" I'm shrieking, I'm trying to reach them, like if I don't in two seconds they'll disappear like smoke, drifting away.
She turns, but looks blankly at me, then I crash into her, hear her gasp in surprise.
"Mom, mom, I missed you so much, I love you, so, so much." I sob, but then I'm pulled away.
"What, who on Earth are you?" She says, and I'm suddenly aware everyone's staring at me. I'm also very conscious I'm not Leila anymore. Tears fill my eyes.
"I, I, I'm sorry mom. I'm so, so, sorry. I want you to know, I love you, I always have. That moment when I was hit, I thought about you. Please know that." Then, before I do anything else so stupid, I run away, sobbing. When I reach an empty bathroom, I'm heaving and sobbing. I can't stop, this can't be happening, it just can't. This is a nightmare, just let me die, let me die. Please.
