If I am being honest with myself...I couldn't stop thinking if him. I tried so hard not to think of him, and this trip was supposed to help me and all it did was make me feel worse about myself.
My sister doesn't know this, but everynight before bed I stare at a picture we took together, me and him. And one night I started to cry myself to sleep when the realization that he was there...with her....and I was her with a picture... I may have lost my chance to get him.
I don't want to think about it. I never did want to think about it. All my friends liked her over me, and they all said she was so pretty and...I try. I try to make myself not care. I try to make myself think of other things. I try to be pretty.
I want to be her. People like her. They find her funny. They just find me embarrassing don't they?
I shouldn't think about this. The trip was supposed to be fun and happy. All I was doing was hating myself more.
I missed him.
The day I told him I was leaving...I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to tell him I loved him and kiss him and never leave him.
But I didn't.
I couldn't.
And I'm glad I didn't.
Something in me told me he didn't care. But that day in the cabin. The day he told me he promised to make me feel okay...I replay that moment over, and over, and over, and over time and time again. That's what I want. I want him to like me. It gives me hope; and I fall in love all over again.
I'm leaving Mexico tomorrow. And I'll finally get to see him again. See him smile, see him laugh, get the extraordinary feeling in my stomach when he makes me smile and laugh. And if that's all I get....that's enough for me.
