Dear R,
Hi! How are you? It's been a long time.
Whoah! Sorry, that's a stupid question which deserves a stupid answer.
Obviously, you're fine. You're perfectly fine. You're happy. You're inspired. You're in love. You're now the one who you wanted to be. Of course I am fully aware of those, because they're everything that I'm not.
No, no, no. I am NOT stalking you. I just happened to see one of your pictures the other day. A common friend liked your photo and unfortunately, it appeared on my news feed.
Yes, it was your "couple photo." Was it your profile picture? I'm not sure though. Our connections have been cut a long time ago.
Anyway, you look good these days. Not actually good, you look better.
Yeah, I know this letter is stuffed with so much uncomfortable vibes. Imagine, your ex-girlfriend, who didn't speak to you for a long time, would suddenly pop out from nowhere with all these sentiments. But please bear with this, I just wanted to let this go.
So where do I start? Uhhhm, alright. Here we go.
I just wanted to emphasize how unfair the universe is. Look at us, we're its perfect example. There you are having the time of your life, of course with the one you love, and is never bothered by the fallout. I believe you would never be bothered. While here I am, still stuck in the wreckage.
Unfair. How can you be that happy when you have inflicted someone so much pain? Yeah, I am that someone.
Oh, I'm being bitter about this.
I know it's my fault. It's my decision. Yeah, I should've moved on a long time ago. But then, I chose to stay.
Whoah, come on. It's not actually what you think. I tried. Damn, I tried so hard to walk away, to take the opposite road. But along the way, I would suddenly look back. And before I could realize it, I am already going back to where I got off.
I would cry all night and would let the pain tear me off. You won't know how much pain you inflicted me because I took them all in silence. I embraced the pain. I believed that by the time I could dry my eyes out, I could turn my back, walk away and would never turn back again. But the universe is such a bitch, it wouldn't allow me.
And so I just gave up. I'll just have to wait until I get tired with all of these.
Of course I wanted to be happy, because you are. I wanted to show you that I can also be what you are now. I wanted to show the world that I can still go on without you. I wanted to make this projection that I don't care anymore. I wanted to make myself believe that I can make things fair.
But for n times, I always fail.
I would always think about you, about us, about the way we used to be. And then I would ask myself how you could you still give us up? How could you still fall for her when I was already here? How could you still choose her when I have given you my all?
And then I would give myself an answer: Maybe, my all was never enough for you.
And that sucks, realizing your all is never enough for someone.
So I distanced myself from you. I never bothered you since the day we drifted apart. You know that, you never heard anything from me. I kept mum about everything. I never told you how much pain I went through. How I tried hard to pick up the broken pieces of my heart.
Hey, if I tell you, will you come back to me? Will you leave her and choose me again? I know the answer's no, so why would I still bother?
Everyday, I went through this battle. I fought for my strength. I became my own warrior. But at the end of the day, it all comes down to thoughts of you. And it will always remind me what a huge failure I am for still loving the man who broke my heart and my soul. I wish I could also stop loving you the way you stopped loving me.
But hey, you're happy now and I won't ruin that. I just went crazy today so I made you this letter. Don't worry, after this, I'll keep my distance again, like I always did.
One day, I know, I will win this war. And oh, someday the universe will be in my favor and I will find that happiness again. That happiness that went away when you left. I guess I just have to wait for that day. I just hope it will come the soonest.
You can sigh now because this letter's over. Sorry for your wasted time. Sorry for this thoughtless crap.
Uhmmm, goodnight and I terribly miss you. Lastly, I am sorry for this one. I promise, this will be the last time I tell you this. I love you.
-D
