A Piece Of Me

Someone Better Than Me

Monday, February 27, 2017

I sat on my bed, with my knees to my chest at 11:42 PM wondering how and where I had the courage to let him go. Being a stubborn fighter from the very beginning, I never knew how to give up. I kept on fighting and fighting until someone tells me that I have to stop and yet I—a stubborn one—kept doing what I was doing.

Tears cascaded to my cheeks, "Why am I crying?" I asked myself.

I don't know.

I replayed the moment when he asked me if I would want to further our relationship, but for the first time in my life, I did a double take. I was unsure if I should fight for more. I was unsure if fighting for something that only I believed in was right. Suddenly, all the little things he do crossed my mind. The way he brushes his hair to side of his face, the way his face looks funny when he does something serious, the way he laughs became the melody to my ears, the way he boasts about his family, the way he flashes me his cheeky grin when he's done something mischievous, the way his big, dark brown eyes light up at my bad puns, the way he smells, the way he sees everything from a different perspective, and the way of him making involuntary facial expressions.

More and more tears came rushing down my face, "Why are you crying?" I asked myself.

I love him so much.

A thought popped up into my head. A lot of the times, he himself told me he wanted to stop both of our relationship. He wants to give up but on the other end, I was the one who encouraged him to fight for ourselves. I was the fighter among the two of us when he wanted to give up. I was the one who took charge when he felt like he was tired fighting, and when he felt that it was enough. I caught myself by surprise when I agreed for us to be apart, yet to stay as best friends still since him and I, we built what we already built. It would be a waste if we threw all of it away. He, as well, was taken aback since I was a fighter—I fought for both of us when he wanted to rest.
At the deepest corners of my heart, I prayed for him to fight for us like what I did when he was on the verge of giving up. Once he recovered, all hope faded away when he said he didn't want to continue our romantic relationship anymore.

A sob escaped my lips. I covered my mouth to stop it. "Why are you crying?", I asked myself.

I let him go.

The funny thing is, I never let go. I'm never able to let go. I'm always the one being left alone in a relationship. What hurts was that he said that I was free. Little did he know that I only feel free when I am with him. Now that he and I are no longer together, I am thrown back again to the cage where I spent countless days in, fighting my inner demons—harshness, distant, criticality, perfectionism, coldheartedness, and judgement. But what hurts even more was the fact that I can't correct him. I lost my voice. I couldn't bring myself up to tell him he was wrong. That I only felt freedom when I am with him. Did he not felt that? Did he not see? I bit my lip as I felt a hiccup coming out. These tears, what do they really mean?

An optimist by nature, I try to see the bright side in everything, even when it's almost close to impossibility. I closed my eyes and let the tears flow freely. In my head, I counted all of the good things the moment I let go of him.

When he finds someone better than me, he won't give up on his dream being married in a church.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to have religion issues between his family and his girl.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have a girlfriend thats picky with every little thing.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to deal with a makeup hoarder.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't meet a dysfunctional family.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to face a strict girlfriend's mother.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to deal with his girlfriend's gay and lazy brother.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to think twice about asking his girlfriend to a date.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to love someone as difficult as me.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to deal with a fashionista.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to deal with a spoiled brat.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to deal with an emotional wreck.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to deal with someone sensitive.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to deal with someone a little too serious.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to deal with someone who gets him mad every day.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to deal with a perfectionist.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to deal with a Know-It-All.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to deal with someone dramatic.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to deal with someone clingy and needy.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to deal with someone who rarely cooks for him.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to deal with someone insecure.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to deal with someone indecisive.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to deal with someone who trusts him a little too much.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to deal with someone who depends her happiness on him.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to deal with someone who rarely spoils him even when he deserves it.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to deal with the constant nagging.

When he finds someone better than me, he won't have some to annoy him to always be careful.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to deal with someone who's figuratively deep.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to deal with a hopeless romantic.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to deal with a neat freak.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to deal with someone whose first kiss was already taken.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to deal with someone needy.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to deal with someone demanding.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to deal with someone who gets on his nerves.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to deal with someone constantly craving for him.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to deal with someone who will misunderstand him.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to deal with someone changing him into someone worse.

When he finds someone better than me, he doesn't have to deal with someone who loves too much.

I cried and cried, until the only thing that remained was an empty shell of who I was—when with him. I cried and cried again until nothing came flowing from eyes anymore.

"What did those tears mean?" I asked myself.

I let him go because I love him.

If he will ever find someone, it should be someone—someone better than me.