A Piece Of Me

Eyes Wide Open

Tuesday, February 28, 2017.

The very first thought that came up to mind when I woke up at 6:25 AM to read his new messages was the fact that I might never be able hear the sweet, hypnotizing three words come out of those luscious lips of his anymore.

I love you.

I readied myself for the pain to burst out of my chest, cry out in pain and just act like I was never hurt, like I always do. That's what eccedentesiasts like myself are good at. Surprisingly, nothing came to play.

I tried recollecting my emotions, but nothing came trickling down my face like last night. Here I realized I was numb. I didn't feel anything anymore. This is what I wanted to happen in the first place. Didn't I?

When I replied to his messages, I was a bit hesitant. Do I still mean something to him? Will someone be able to capture his feelings like I did? We talked about schoolwork—how I was pissed that the school I was in wanted me to drive back up to the campus to talk about a certain course they're offering, that comes with a price of course.

And that's when he told me something. Something that made me remember what made me continuously falling in love with him. Something that always made me feel giddy on the inside. He replied that if I ever took the course that the school was offering, he will take it with me when he comes back from his leave.

The fact that we're both not in a romantic relationship at this moment, yet still cares about me, is the one thing that I love about him the most. He knows I'm scared to be left alone, he knows that I would push people away again.

I let him go, yet he stayed.

The reason why I bawled my eyes out yesterday night was that I thought that if I let him go, I'd lose him. I am scared to lose him. Isn't that what happens to relationships? You let someone go and you lose them? But this guy, my baby, my beacon of hope, my tamer and my bestfriend stayed. He didn't leave me. He didn't leave me because he loves me. He didn't leave me because he knew what it felt like to be left alone by yourself. He didn't leave me because he knew what it felt like to be someone who's difficult to love.

My heart swelled with happiness and delight, my lips forming a smile—a smile that reached my eyes once more.

We continued messaging each other back and forth until my breath hitched at a particular word he mentioned to me. It was his first time dyeing his hair caramel brown, and with his tanned skin. He replied a laugh and said he looked funny, and ugly. While I, being deeply inlove with him, protested. I replied asking him what the hell was he saying, that no matter what, he's still handsome in my eyes.

He said, "That's why I love you"

My heart pounded against my chest as though it is the day when I first told him that I love him too. I thought that if I let him go, he wouldn't love me anymore, because I knew then that he was already tired. I thought I was hopeless. I thought I was alone. I thought that this friendship of ours that we declared yesterday would only be a one sided love—that I would be loving him, and not the other way around.

Without hesitation, I answered, "I'm sorry, but I love you more"

Hope lit me up again, and the urge to fight for him to be mine again grew stronger. I found the fighter in me again. Not only a fighter, but a warrior princess. I know now at this point that I'm not giving up on him. Never, for this guy.

He loves me.

I cried my eyes out the night before because I was open minded to the thought of setting him free although it pained me. I cried because he's my anchor, the only person who keeps me on my feet. But my mind wasn't open enough. My head was swarming with cries and pleas for him to stay, but I thought he wouldn't. Because someone will always be better than me. But he did.

He stayed.