Alpha Queen

chapter 8

A/N okay so to be blunt this chapter will have self-harm and will be very depressing I DO NOT I repeat DO NOT approve of self-harm and I know that LOT'S of people around the world self-harm and I wish I could help you all but I know that's wishful thinking but if you guys ever need to vent or need to talk I'll try with all my might to help you even though I'm a stranger I can understand it the empty feeling inside the feeling of being hurt or just feeling nothing but pain but I want to help but only if you want my help.

Sage pov

-Flashback-

Ken's arms are around her she looks up at him he smiles down at her with happiness she gets on tippy toes and kisses him. Not a peck but a full-on let us fuck on the ground kind of kiss and he pulled her closer to him as her back arches into him she moans into their kiss.

I hear him whisper "I won't let them have you"

"I'm always your babe" she said as they pull away I got a good look at her she has strawberry blond hair she look's like she's around 5'6 she has on blue skinny jeans that hold her frame perfectly her T-Shirt is grey and it's a plain V-neck that shows off her boobs but not too much and her shoes..DAMN IT! Them shoes tho. They are grey wedge boots they go up to her knee with straps on the side and boy do them boots look good. As I finish admiring her boots I take one last look at the man who just killed my wolf's dreams and hopes and walked away to the one person who gave her hope Rage.....

-Flashback over-

Now me and Rage are on our way to the pack house. Right now he is asleep from our long day at the mall it's 9:45 PM right now. As I see the pack house all the lights are on I guess should tell them I'm back now.

I pull into the driveway and park my car I turn and look at my little Angel and smile. I get out and walk around to get my little Prince. I shake him a little "babe you need to get up" I said softly trying not to startle him

"Ugh no mammy I wanna sleep" He whined with his eyes still closed

"Okay then," 

"Then get on mammy's back so I can carry you inside" and he grumbled and whined but complied and did what he was told. As we reach the front door I hear the noise get lower they must have noticed me already. The door is thrown open and their stand a sad Angel and a very pissed Raven. Even though I know I worried them I just can't seem to care right now the feelings are coming back.

"Not right now I need to get him to sleep let the pack know I'm back" with that I turned around and left I know what I'm doing is wrong but I'm too numb right now I just want to get Rage to bed that's all. 

"liar" jade whispered 

I have not talked to her in a long time she kinda startled me with her voice I always knew she was there but I kinda figured that she needed time to lick her wounds well her re-opened ones at least.

"Good night mama," Prince said

"Good night babe," I said kissing his forehead.

I hope he likes his room.

I walk to the bathroom and I can honestly say I hated what stared back at me. 

 "Your fat"

" worthless"

"a waste of space"

"Stop no please no-no more" tears start to roll down my face

"Whore"

"Slut"

"Cunt"

"Skank "

"MURDER!!!"

"Liar!!"  

Next thing i know my fist is in the mirror,

"Now it's shattered just like me now"I whispered 

"Not a thing on this planet is as worthless as you die"

It's starting again

please no!no!no!no!no! No!no!no!no!no! I chant in my head over and over 

"Diediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediedie" they cant over and over ,over and over , over and over.

I can't breath

It's too much

Make it stop

I'm begging you! I don't even know who I'm crying anymore

Slowly my tears dry up on my face I don't want this anymore all my tears are gone. But the damn that I once built up around my heart and soul are now tougher and stronger it's gone.

Why do I suffer like this?

Why do I feel so numb?

Why bother asking why anymore no one will answer or save me. A bitter laugh escapes my lips and it sounds mad even to my own ears. For once I'm glad that every room in the house is soundproof. I'm soon on the bathroom floor crying and laughing maybe I'm crazy after all. Hell, I don't even know why I'm crying anymore. All you can hear is my laughter bouncing off the wall's and I guess that's when I snapped again. The memories, the love, the emotions everything.

I broke...

I got off the floor and walked to the mirror and smiled even my smile seemed broken. No wonder everyone leaves. Who wants someone so broken that they can't even return from the road that they started tragic some would say but we are all alone at one point in our life.

I pick up a shard of glass....

I promised

I said i'd stop,

It's too late now.

1 cut, 2 cut 3 cuts now 4 now blood is dripping to the floor with each cute I feel less empty with each cut I feel more alive human even, but that's not what I want I want to be empty just as I'm finna cut deeper.....

I stop and shame consumes me. What would Rage do if he saw me right now? What would he do if I was to leave this earth? He would be alone again and I just can't bear the thought of him being alone not like that. Never I won't do that not to him god no! Not him and tears fall down my face once more as shame consumes me whole.

I hear him knock at the bathroom door. 

shame and fear were the first things that popped into my mind 

The smell of blood is so strong when I don't answer Rage flings the door open with wide eyes and in his eyes, I see his fear and my shame grows.

"Mama?" his eyes are glued to my arm as the blood drips to the floor he runs to me and he grabs a towel.

"It's okay baby it will fade" my guilt is in my voice as much as I try to hide it. My voice cracks as I look at his tear stained face god this guilt will kill me 

" Why mama?" he has tears in his eyes and his eyes are getting puffy like his cheek's.

"Did I do something? if I did I'm sorry" he cried and it broke my heart to know that I caused him to cry like this.

Never again I swear it on my life never again.

"NO babe! it's not you it's too hard for mammy to explain right now babe" how do you tell your 6-year-old little boy that you hurt yourself to stop the pain? How do you tell YOUR child that you are so broken that you can't even explain it? How?

Oh, that's right you can't.

"It's gone," he said looking at my once cut arm but now it was fully healed.

"Let's sleep?" I said after nodding my head towards the door I  held my hand out he took it. I led him to my room because he said he wanted to stay with me tonight even though it's 2 am right now.

"Please don't leave me mammy" was his last word as sleep overtook us both.