Poor Man's Heaven

Time to open my eyes again, for the sunlight casted another shadow inside of me. It’s mid-summer, but I can feel this distinct coldness under my skin. I’m not sure if it was planted by someone or it was just seeded by me. Last night I dreamt about an utopian world, where all souls flew in the open air, and pocketed all the freedom that they can bear. All the planets rotated in the vast open field of the space, and circled the sun in unison. Where all the houses were surrounded by bridges instead of walls. I wish I could stay there longer, but I must open my eyes. I must get up and live, for I have other real dreams to live.

I wrapped myself in a towel, and opened my mouth to brush my teeth. I do this to keep myself clean. I scrubbed and brushed until the white foam in my mouth turned red. Is it blood? I wondered to myself. Although I don’t feel anything, I am fairly convinced that I am bleeding. Why am I bleeding? I just wanted to be clean. “Is it normal to be numb?” I asked the glass above the sink that I used to hold onto. It didn’t answer, not even a nudge. “You’re all that I got, please answer me!” I begged it to answer, but still, I got no response. I grabbed the unresponsive glass and threw it to the mirror, shattering my own reflection into a thousand images. “What a useless glass” I said to myself.

I’m running late, I need to wash this bloody foam off. I opened the faucet, and placed my mouth under it. The cold water touched my lips and relaxed me. Water is filling up in my mouth. I am drowning, but this lightness inside my body keeps on whispering “It’s okay.” I closed my eyes, as the water over flows in the sink. “How come he never picks me up any more?” I can hear the useless glass finally speaking up. “Can’t you see you’re broken, nobody’s ever going to touch someone who is broken,” an unfamiliar voice surprisingly answered. I peeled my eyes to see who is behind the new voice. It was my countless shattered reflection. The euphoria in my mind left me, and it was exchanged by fear. Finally, I’m feeling the pain, I’ve never been so thankful in my life. The water slowly flooded my throat. My being loved the pain, so I decided to dunk myself deeper into the cold water. I can’t breathe, but I stayed, for pain was the only being who kept me company. I stayed with the company until I drowned.

I combed my hair backwards with my fingers, and opened my eyes, and found myself inside a classroom. Everything is white. The walls that surrounded us, the desks that we sat on, and even our clothes are all in white. I looked around to see all the faces. All of them looked familiar, but I don’t think I know them. We’re all wearing all the same white shirts but I don’t feel like I belong with them. Wait, I think I remember seeing them every day, but I’m quite sure I don’t have any interactions or connections between them. I stood up, and at once they stared at me like their eyes are stringed to my body. Like a ticking bomb, I walked through their land mine like gazes. I tried to ignore them, but the pressure that they are directing towards me is petrifying. “Go back, sit down, and earn back your freedom,” instructed the professor, who is standing in front of the class. I followed the professor like a lamb. “But please, don’t be so comfortable sitting there, it’s just the first process. You still have to work and prove that you are a worthy product,” the professor added. I am dazed, I am not sure why I am being told this, but I just nodded and didn’t say anything. “Good job! Now if you work hard enough, you might just be able to get yourself a car and buy back some of your freedom,” the professor said. “Wait, aren’t we born with it?" I asked. "Tell me, when did my freedom got stripped away from me? Like, who took it from me? Where do you find it? When do I get to reclaim my freedom?” The professor’s face crumpled; I think this is not a room for people who answers back. “Don’t be lazy! Just sit there! Don’t ask me! It’s your freedom, it’s for you to find it!” The professor replied in a thunderous voice. “But, what if it doesn’t exist? How about you? Have you found it yet? Is staying here really going to bring it back to me?” The whole class started to laugh. The air coming out from their lungs made my head hurt. "Can you all please stop!" I screamed, but it didn't help. I got up and ran towards the door. I can see the opening, it was bright, and I can feel myself floating as I get closer to it. Suddenly red petals started to scatter in front of me. I can feel air passing through my chest. I saw a hole in my heart. A hole that is oozing with emptiness. I also saw the shadow that is growing inside me as I watch my blood pump out of me. I turned around, and saw the professor holding a gun. I can’t believe the professor shot me. I got punished for questioning. I was killed for trying to escape the rules. One by one, all of the students inside the room circled me, with their faces hidden behind their phones. I was struggling to breathe. I reached out my hands, asking for help, but instead of hands meeting hands, I was again touched by a bullet in the head. As fast as the clap of the gun, the light inside me was gone.