Change

Part 1

My name is Layla and this is my
story.....

The first cut wasn't the deepest.Not at all.It was like the others a subtle rend of anxious skin a gentle pulse of crimson just enough to hush the demon shrieking inside my brain.

I lock myself in my room slamming the door shut. I cover my mouth.My throat sore,my eyes blurry. Even my own best friend betrayed me for them....well that's what I get for being a ugly bitch with braces. I was kidding myself if I really thought I actually had a real best friend....one that I could trust I was retarded.

Trust is like paper once it is crumpled it will never be the same. I have to keep all the shit to myself because in reality no one gives a fuck.

I walk to my bed wiping my tears and lift up my mattress  throwing everything on the floor...there it is.

I smile.
I grab the knife.

I run my fingers through the cold sharp blade..Then hold the handle and lift up my sleeve revealing scars. Long scars. That have healed a little. A tear runs down my cheek and then another one.

Go to the beach.And walk into the water blind folded. You keep walking you don't know where your going. All you know is your going deeper. Depression, the tears are all slowly fading.Depression has blinded you.Now just keep going until you drowning .You want air you want relief you don't want to be drowning anymore. Now imagine the relief when someone come to pull you out. That someone is the knife. That's what cutting is like. It's relief from all the bullies and everyone who hates you (by everyone's I mean the whole world)

I see red blood dropping from my arm all over my school clothes . But that is the last thing i'm worried about. Memories of today awful events invade my mind and then i'm no longer controlling myself...

I slide to the ground crying. I lean myself against my bed and cry. And then I look up. My cheeks are all wet. I can't feel the blood or the pain in my arm from the knife. I just hear the voices in my head calling me worthless and ugly and keep on repeating "Kill yourself. Why are you alive no one likes you".

And then I am silent.

I don't cry.
I don't scream.
But I just stare.
And I stare at the wall

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's Friday morning.
The last day of the week.

I get up from my bed and hug my stomach closing my eyes.I take a deep
breath and tell myself it's just one more day.

I get up and stand in front of mirror.
I don't say a word.
I grab my other pair of school uniform,
And I start to get dressed.

I cleanse the wound and squeeze me eyes shut tight. "One more day" I whisper in the cold air.

Well whatever happens today can't possibly be worse then yesterday could it?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I walk down the stairs all fresh and dressed smart. I put on my best fake smile and walk into the kitchen where I see my mom standing.

A lot has happened this year....It's been hard for us ever since dad had died and I know even though it was quite a long time ago mom is still hurting. Sometimes I would walk to her bedroom door and watch her cry to herself holding her a locket that dad had gotten her when they first met.