Calories

i always hated math

but in my head

every day

it's numbers, numbers.

there's nothing else i can think about,

it's a sickness.

i'm always counting, always planning ahead.

and i've never been one for organisation.

every day i'm thinking about how it all adds up

what i can and can't eat

whether one hundred calories is really too much for one day.

the average adult needs about two thousand 

every day

even without exercise.

and i do, even though i hate it.

until i want to faint, until i might throw up (if there were anything in my stomach)

my mother cries over me

my friends don't say anything

my girlfriend bakes me cookies

and i can't say no.

but it makes me want to scream.

i'm hiding

disintegrating

and i am so afraid.

i go to work and i am so tired

i have no energy

i'm at school with words dancing off the pages.

they think i'm smart

but i'm failing 

drowning

falling apart.

i don't take math anymore, but i'm doing equations in my head

all the time.

sugarfree gum to stop myself from eating = 3.5 calories if i get this brand

0.78 of a calorie in a blueberry.

is that okay? is that too much for in one day?

if i cry afterwards does it mean i'm losing water weight?

there's always something i want 

someone i want to be

anything but what i am now

just counting and wishing and trying and failing

i am just calories

and it makes me sick