(trigger warning, I love you guys. Stay safe💕)
I'm going to tell you how to self harm but before I'm going to tell you some stuff you need to know. once you start it's not easy to stop, it's an addiction, you can try all you want but you will alway want to go back to the blade or knife. you will alway want to see the blood trickling down your legs, arms or wherever you do it.
You'll never be able to stop without serious help, they'll start of small and shallow, like the ones you can say "oh it was the cat don't worry about it" about. then they become deeper and deeper and longer.
First of all they will only be once of twice when you feel down, but seeing then scar and scab over will make you feel more and more down, and you will have a constant reminder of why you did it, everytime you see one cut, scab or scar it will cause more and more pain until you hit rock bottom and depression starts.
Depression will be the beginning of your years of cutting to come, you'll be fine when your around people and talking and smiling but when your alone that's when depression will strike and stick to you. it will constantly tell you that 'your not worth it' or 'just grab the blade no one wants you to be happy anyway' and in the end it will win because you basically cut all of your strength to stop yourself with the first cut.
You think it stops there? no. it leads on to worse things like anxiety, it's one of the worst feelings of earth. it will star with one anxiety attack of crying and heavy breathing but become more aggressive. in the end the worry and stress becomes so much, you have them everyday and they're that bad you'd be sitting in the corner of your room crying thinking 'I'm going to die'.
Honestly one of the worst parts is getting caught, imagine: your in class waiting for your lesson to start when a teacher walks in and says "can _____ come to the counselling office please" she gives you a smile, and you follow her to a small room with 2 chairs and a desk. she says "____ can you show me your arms please?" you do as your told and she her your right arm it's clean. you hesitantly show her your left arm and she asks "why?" you tell her about all the feeling worthless and self hate you have. she calls your mother, you beg and cry "I beg you please don't call her" but it's too late she is on the phone and tells her everything, your mother asks to speak to you. you hesitantly take the phone and hear your mother crying down the phone and all she can say is "why?" you apologise so much but what's done is done, you can't take it back. you mother says "I'm coming to pick you up" you tell her no, you shout I can't face you while your crying. if anything you know what your mother thinks she thinks that she's the reason you did it, she thinks she hasn't raised you good enough or treated you well enough. at the end of the day you get in the car with her and she can't make eye contact, tears are rolling down your face and hers, you lean over to hug her. she's so gentle when she pulls up your sleeve and sees your pas few months of pain on ones arm. she sits there crying wondering what she did wrong.
So still want to self harm? no? that's the right answer so don't even start with it, good luck to you all, stay strong lots of love - Courtney 💕
