The breakdown book

feelings

I lie too much. I don't want to have to lie. I don't want to lie and say I'm fine. I don't want to lie and say I don't need help. I don't want to live in a world where one wrong move makes everyone hate me. A single tear and I'm a freak. A single opinion that differs ever so slightly I'm awful. My world is crumbling down and I can't fix it. The only thing I have going for me is that I can act. I can act like I know what I'm doing. I can act like nothing worries me. I can act like I'm okay. I realise song lyrics describe my life better than I ever could. Listen to Lifeboat from Heathers or Gasoline by Halsey. There's a line in Oh no by Marina and the Diamonds that works too. "I feel like I'm the worst so I always act like I'm the best." That is pretty much my entire life in a nutshell. My friends are either one of 2 things. People I've met on the internet but I'll probably never meet because I live in a different country or people I know who are treat me like I don't exist half the time, yet they accept me for who I am when no-one else will. There is one exception to that rule and one person I love who will never love me back. I don't know how to tell her. I know she likes girls but I also know she likes someone else and I'm terrified that she'll turn on me if I confess. I know it's dumb but so am I. The people I care about most either don't exist or feel the same way. The others try their hardest not to be around me. They hate me and I can't find anymore reasons why they shouldn't. I heard them say they want me dead... This does nothing for my self esteem. I feel like my past is coming back to haunt me, I don't know how to deal with the present and I have no idea what I'm going to do in my future. My parents say I'll be dead or in jail. Maybe they're right. I don't even care any more.