A Shy Heart

Shyness is a social disease. It inflicts low self-esteem, negativity and fear in your heart that you can't help but feel trapped within yourself.

Such was my case in school, the worst phase of it being my highschool years. I longed to have fun, enjoy and most importantly make friends.

I felt pathetic of being cooped up within my inner thoughts, which had nothing better to offer other than negativity. There was always this fear of being judged, of being made the center of jokes, of doing a wrong thing.

I envied people who chilled out with their friends, their arms slung over one another, their eyes sparkling with delight and their mouths filled with unlimited things to chat about.

I hated the fact that some students ran around in class (when the teacher wasn't present) and jumped on top of the desks, trying to play chase in the miniscule room. They also ate chips, talked in whispers and passed each other chits even when the teacher was present. Perhaps my irritation towards their activities was due to my inability to have fun.

I imagined being bold, being in a big friend circle, making hilarious jokes which would make everybody laugh. It was my one dream which couldn't come true. I wanted to have company, to make memories, to have fun till it lasted. Whoever has said that school years are the best in one's life, is correct. People have so much to remember from them. But my supposedly "best years" weren't even worth the letter "b" of "best".

At times, I had to fight off my inner voice and do things which I had to, even if I dreaded it. Classroom speeches were number one on my hate list. I always felt scrutinized by the gazes of my classmates, but that was just my paranoia.

The worst part about a speech was forgetting it, even after practicing it a hundred times in front of the mirror. Hey, I should probably say sorry to my mirror as it might have been bored to death by my constant droning. What more, my thousand self-assurances to not freak out while speaking, would vanish magically the minute I would start. Then followed the infamous stutter which all the more forced everyone's eyes on my tiny form.

That moment, I wished to be swallowed by the floor or to be abducted by aliens. I know it sounds crazy, but I was terrified of making mistakes and looking like a fool. When others would miss something in their speech, they would look at their friends for support. And what did I have? The dull cream walls to stare at, which clearly reflected my sour mood.

Shyness is a vicious cycle. Even if you try your best to mingle, your obnoxious mind would drag you back and trap you once again. Overcoming this is difficult.

Even after three years of completing high school, I regret my inability to make friends and to have fun.

Here's an article of mine that explains shyness in detail and ways to overcome it.

https://healdove.com/mental-health/All-About-Shyness

You're not alone and you're not at all weak. Be brave, be strong. You're beautiful and unique. Keep smiling! 💕

With love ❤

Sakina